Monday, July 04, 2005
We Hold These Truths To Be Self-Evident, Mostly Because We Say So
Because I keep hearing it over and over again from Republican party operatives on cable talk shows, I'm almost positive now that I must--as a non-Republican--hate America. I rejected that kind of talk out of hand at first, but I've heard it so many times over and over again that I've come to the conclusion that it can't all be lies. I mean, why would they say it over and over and over again if there wasn't some truth to it? And liberals like me, we get so defensive whenever the topic of patriotism comes up, it just makes you wonder.

But then there are days like today, America's birthday, when I think "hang on, whoa there Bay Buchanan. You need to rethink your position. Also, a little eye make-up wouldn't kill you."

I love America so much that I subjected my screaming, terrified children to a 20-minute up-close barrage of colorful pyrotechnics in her honor tonight. If that's not love, nothing is.

My blog is the only real public means I have to express my great faith and devotion to my country, so I am grateful for it. As I considered how much the greatness of my blog reflects the greatness of America, I started thinking about how much my blog itself resembles America, the country in which it was born and in which it now thrives with now nearly triple digit readership!

-America and my blog were both born in July, on a day designated by a single-digit number (4 and 9, respectively)

-America and my blog are both physical manifestations of higher ideals for the betterment and benefit of mankind (America for representative democracy, my blog for giving me something to do besides amateur porn).

-Both are free-speech zones.

-Both are hated by the French.

-Neither is welcome in Cuba.

-Both are infallible.

There would be a lot more similarities, but those will have to wait until my blog acquires a state-of-the-art military-industrial complex to support its wars of aggression/peace-keeping missions/pre-emptive strike capability.

In short, my blog is America. It is AmericaBlog.

I know, there already is a blog called AMERICAblog, but that's just some commie pinko shaking his tiny, ineffectual fist at the great seamless edifice of the consolidated, vertically integrated Republican power machine. Plus, that's just a name that dude gave himself and everyone knows you can't give yourself a nickname. If you could, I sure as fuck wouldn't have chosen "Herpe" for myself in high school. I swear to God, you get one normal freakin' cold sore and people just don't forget...

No, AmericaBlog is me, not just because I say so, but because I've earned it. Not only does my blog exist as the electronic epitome of all things American, but it's existed for nearly a year. That's got to be some kind of blog record, right? I can't think of anyone else doing this for as long as I have. I mean, they have jobs and families and shit like that, right?

So I win. Welcome to the Bucket, America's Blog. I've got the flag tattoo on my ass to prove it if you doubt me. Pictures available via e-mail upon request.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.998



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