Sunday, June 11, 2006
PS: We Should Be Together, Too
Ha ha ha! Woo! Ha! Yes! Woo! Woooooooo! Yesyes! Ha ha! Wooooo! Yeah!

I mean uh... no, uh... no. No, I promised it wouldn't be all about soccer, so I will tone it down and not make this a full recap of my weekend sitting on my ass watching "the beautiful game."

I will agree with you all that "the beautiful game" is a stupid nickname for soccer. When I think of "the beautiful game", like most of you, my mind immediately goes to the Lingerie Bowl.

I will also say that, judging by the comments from Friday, nothing gets the Bucketeers riled up like spending a whole post talking about something they hate. So that will mean more Ann Coulter, more soccer and I'm planning a few posts about old sitcom reunion shows, Yanni, porn that isn't free and dysentery. I like to keep the readership interested.

The only thing I will say even remotely related to soccer in this part of the post is that I realized while watching the Iran-Mexico match that no two people in the WHOLE WORLD say the word "Iran" in exactly the same way. We should skip all the work we're doing on biometrics or human genome mapping or whatever. The way someone says the name of that country that used to be Persia is as distinct as any fingerprint or retina blood-vessel pattern.

The problem seems to be the two vowels in the word "Iran." Is the "I" pronounced "i" or "ee"? And is the "A" pronounced a as in "ram," a male sheep, or as in "Ram," one of the Sikh names for Waheguru, their One God? Gosh, it's just so confusing.

With both vowels a variable, the permutations are nearly endless. Or at least they are if you, like me, aren't very good at basic math. "Endless" is what we say when we suspect we may be asked to multiply.

Personally, I say it like the English sentence "I ran," for two reasons: 1) that aaaaahn sounds all fruity European and 2) I love me some Flock of Seagulls.

With all the controversy about holocaust denial and nuclear ambition coming out of Iran right now, I'm sure lots of Americans would like us to recall all the maps and relabel it "Crazystan." Unfortunately, I could never endorse such an idea. Not because I'm especially enlightened or don't enjoy a good country-renaming joke. No, it's because of Crazy Stan.

If you don't know Crazy Stan, count yourself lucky. Suffice it to say, I'm against anything that gives Crazy Stan any kind of public recognition, even by accident. That's right, I'm talking about you, Crazy Stan. You're a bastard and a liar and I want my underwear back. Crazy fucker.

Now you people are making me miss the probably-totally-incomprehensible season premiere of Deadwood, so I dismiss you all at this time. The next time we meet, I can almost guarantee I will have referred to another human being as "cocksucker." Maybe in exchange for money, maybe not.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.5



See, look how nice and segregated!

Monday Match of the Day: USA vs. Czech Republic, noon Eastern/9 am Pacific on ESPN2.
I almost hate that this game is coming. Two-plus years of build-up and it could all be washed away in one poor showing. I'd hate for us to be the 2006 version of Portugal 2002 or (worse) USA 1998. I haven't been this nervous since my first vasectomy. Sometimes I wish I were just in it for the sexy soccer-man legs like my wife is. If there is no post tomorrow, it's because USA lost and I am dead.

Avenge me.


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