Thursday, October 05, 2006
The Sweetness Will Not Be Concerned With Me
Some of you, dear readers, have noted that the Bucket has been filled with dark and murky things these last several days. And not the usual fun dark and murky things like porn or celebrity news all tainted with that undefineable frothy mixture of regular Pops-y goodness. Yes, it is our stated mission here to give you all the comedy version of cholera.

The dark-itude and murk-osity of the more serious, less poop-jokey stripe over the last week or so I absolutely disavow any and all responsibility for. I'm sure you're stunned to hear that. But look people, I don't control the news cycle. Crazy is crazy and it would be irresponsible of me to ignore the matters of the day in this space. And of course by "irresponsible" I mean "I have six days worth of space to fill, my God, have some compassion."

I have decided, however, to make a concerted effort today to lighten things up. Get a little looser. Smack you all across the face with the Halibut of Lightheartedness.

That in mind, I present today's topics:


But wait, there's more:

An apparent effort by high-ranking members of your government* to cover up known pedophiliac tendencies (if not actions) for the sake of party-first electioneering!

OK, so that's not exactly hi-larious. But I am wearing one of those funny rainbow fright-wigs while I type this. In retrospect I guess I should have gone with something a little less visual.

The least funny thing about this whole congressman-trying-to-convince-young-people-to-have-sex-with-him is the role of the liberal media in all this. Big Fat Man In The Middle, Speaker Dennis Hastert, has ably and helpfully pointed out that all this hullabaloo about how Mark Foley was creepy and possibly criminal and how Hastert knew about it and said nothing is obviously the work of ABC News and opportunist Democrat leeches. ABC is artificially propping up this controversy by reporting it in places where any person could just happen by and either read it or see/hear it on television. Worse, since the initial story broke, which was about some guy who is not Dennis Hastert doing yucky things on AOL Instant Messenger, ABC News has persisted with their un-Americanism in that they keep asking people questions.

What kind of precedent is that to set? Are they even bothering to couch their questions in cowardly ways by blaming viewers and their sneaky e-mails for the obvious partisan slant? No, they're just coming right out and demanding "answers" to "questions" in some kind of crazy, godless "logical progression." It all vaguely smacks of communism to me.

And Democrats bringing this up right now... we all know perfectly well that if anything like this ever happened to a prominent Democrat, Republicans would be a lot more understanding, especially in October of an election year. But then Republicans have discipline. They know that you don't drop stories on people in October, true or otherwise. That would just get in the way of the long-term narrative you'd been constructing all summer long which needs to be allowed to play out. Otherwise, all that money you'd paid to the staff writers, actors and Photoshop experts would just be right out the window.

I did it again, didn't I? I went to the Dark Place.

I know what will cheer everyone up! Pictures of cute kids!

Now if those angels don't make you smile, well, check your emotional pulse because I fear you may be dead inside.

Tomorrow: puppies!

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.7


* = shout out to my international readers. American Republicans will find a way to make this your fault eventually and then probably bomb your country as a means of distraction. So when I say "your government" I most likely will mean you too.


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