Friday, August 27, 2004
Those Aren't Pillows!
I like Newsweek. I have a subscription. It comes to my house once per week (hence the name) and reaffirms all my leftist predispositions supplemented by some really great pictures of dead people. Every other week I do have to endure a column by George Will, but even though I've almost never agreed with anything he's had to say, he's always a good source of new vocabulary words (no great examples this week, but he did use the phrase "attenuated legitimacy", which was fun).

Imagine my horror then when I saw a little story in the Periscope section about this:

That's right. The Cuddle Party.

And they're organized. They even have a website.

For about $30 you can lay around in platonic, snuggly bliss with a dozen of your closest... complete and total strangers.

It's sweeping the nation, apparently if by "sweeping" I mean "exists" and "the nation" we take as "enclaves of old rotting hippies and their moondoggie scions."

This sounds great, but really, it can only perpetuate the international perception that Americans are lazy. Never mind that it's not true and that per capita Americans spend more hours at work than any other industrialized people, but I must say in our defense--check that, in the exact opposite of whatever "our defense" is--we do tend to take alot of shortcuts. Fast food, drive-through (sorry, drive-thru) everything, ATMs, even yogurt. We can't even sit down and eat a cup of yogurt, we have to make Go-gurt, yogurt for people "on-the-go".

And now we have drive-thru intimacy. Hooray us. No more time wasted getting to know people to the point of familiarity where we might actually be able to touch them, no. Just pay your money and jump on the pile.

And by the way, I've seen enough 1970s porn to know an orgy when I see one and that's an orgy. Except with all that felt and flannel happening it's more like an orgy on Sesame Street and there, I just creeped myself out.

Sure they say "no dry humping", but how many tents are being pitched in that wretched pile of humanity? And what would they say if I show up in my "Home Of The Whopper" peek-a-boo boxers and one of those novelty t-shirts with muscles on the front?

The grossest thing about it is that this is the worst ever example of hippie capitalism I've ever seen. "Free love" apparently now costs $30 when, back around 1968 it was... well, free. There's inflation for you. And dry humping was not only OK, but encouraged. You got alot more bang for your buck, so to speak.

All in all though, this isn't really a pastime for people like me, with kids and a mortgage and lots of stuff that needs to get done. I don't have time for hours of fruitless foreplay that costs me money. If I give a hooker $30, we skip the foreplay altogether and get right to the fruit. Which is a better deal? I ask you.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 1.895


This is just sad. I mean, I'm a cuddle slut, but where's the fun in snuggling a total stranger? That's just creepy.
"And what would they say if I show up in my "Home Of The Whopper" peek-a-boo boxers and one of those novelty t-shirts with muscles on the front?"

funny, i have that exact same outfit.
Amy: Creepy is just the tip of the iceberg. Don't get me started on the hygiene concerns.

Bruce: We should co-ordinate just to be sure we don't end up at the same cuddle party. That would be quite a fashion no-no.

Actually, it would be more of a general, catch-all no-no.
Hey! The guy at the store sold me the same outfit and said it was one of a kind! That son of a bitch ripped me off. I need a hug.
Cuddle parties... definitely ick-worthy. I've given up on news magazines precisely because they print shit like that. And because I'm broke.
MPH: Those fuckers at the Big & Tall will say anything to move product.

Killy: why hello stranger of whom I have no prior knowledge and whose blog is not at all a continuation of anything else but rather completely new. If it weren't for news magazines, who would we know to feel superior to?

And to the group, I'm gutted nobody got the Planes Trains and Automobiles reference. Or maybe you all got it but it was too obvious to be worth mentioning.
I don't need a news magazine to feel superior to people. Or even reality TV (but it helps). Just take a few steps out your front door, and you're bound to run into some fucktard. Take, for example, my neighbors. Grrr....
I got the reference but didn't comment on it out of protest because no one commented on my "They Live" refernence some time back when I discussed that wily news anchor Mike Wallace
It's pathetic to say, but I belong to a group of friends who would jump right into that pile of flesh and flannel, and have done so (for free) many times before. That's not to say that I would, however. I actually come from a long line of no-cuddlers where "stop touching me" is a nightly bed-time phrase. Hippies are dead, and anyone who tries to revive the spirit should die as well. And just for the record, I am a bohemian. Not a hippie.
MPH: Mike Wallace? Is he still alive?

Diana: Not only are hippies not dead, but they're going to be stealing your social security in the very near future. They're freakin' everywhere.
Maybe in California, but here in the Midwest, hippies live in the hearts and souls of young teenage girls.
hey pops. got your blog from Di. Ewww. Cuddling is nice. With FRIENDS. But man, what a great place for sex offenders...
MPH: Sorry to neglect the They Live reference, but I honestly thought it must be from some other, mainstream movie, too. Because that movie was so awful, I couldn't believe that anyone would quote it.

But the fight scene in the alley kicked ass!! Have you seen the South Park take off on that?
I have a new word.............

FUCKTARD.. god, that's absolutely genius.

and......I am stealing it immediately.

By the way, You're funny POPS.

signed, BUTCH.
Thanks Butch. Make sure Killy gets the credit for that one though. God forbid someone else gets the idea that I steal.
Post a Comment

<< Home

Powered by Blogger