Wednesday, December 07, 2005
100 Things About Me
No more hiding. No more lies. It's about bloody time.

1. I was adopted from my native Uganda when I was 4.
2. I had already killed seven people by that time.
3. Self-defense, honest.
4. My powerful physical attractiveness makes people uncomfortable.
5. I have never kissed a man in a romantic/sexual way.
6. I'm not much for foreplay.
7. Uncooked beef can contain dangerous e coli and other bacteria.
8. Turkey comparatively has a very high fat content.
9. No, sorry, those last two are part of my 100 Things About Meat list. Please disregard.
10. I always got my best grades in English.
12. But not so much in math.
13. I wear a size 12 shoe.
14. I own every album Elvis Costello ever made.
15. Elvis Costello owns every album I ever made. He says they're good, but I suspect he's just being polite.
16. I have two eyes.
17. With the right medication, my OCD is finally under control.
18. Did I leave the stove on? Hang on.
19. Back. Everything's fine. I think. Let me check again.
20. Pill time.
21. I know where to find the HTML hex codes for color.
22. Like this
23. And this
24. And this
25. I am easily amused.
26. Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear.
27. And when I do, it's usually something unusual.
28. I have seen the movie Stripes in excess of 40 times.
29. I once built a time machine out of common household items, including a vacuum cleaner, old CDs, a poncho and a spice rack.
30. My time-traveling days ended when my grandfather came back from the future and killed me.
31. I have had sex with seven women.
32. At the same time.
33. While blogging.
34. Right now.
35. Out of high school, I was drafted by the NBA, NFL, Major League Baseball and the Southwestern Conference of Semi-Professional Bowlers.
36. I turned them all down to stay home to raise my kids.
37. And because the pro athlete life would have been too high profile, potentially compromising my mission as part of an elite covert US-based death squad/sleeper cell for the Ugandan government.
38. I've said too much.
39. Did I say "100 things about me"? I could have sworn I said 40. Are you sure? Check, because I swear I said 40.
40. Damn.
41. Listy list list.
42. Typity typey type type.
43. qwertyuiop[]44. asdfghjkl;'
45. zxcvbnm,./
46. Now with the SHIFT key.
49. ZXCVBNM<>?
50. Hang on, I forgot the numbers row.
51. 1234567890-=
52. !@#$%^&*()_+
53. That made a "mail to" link. Weird.
54. The weirdest thing is that now I'm glad I did that. I just learned something.
55. Since 1974, the year I was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000%
56. No, that's actually not about me, that's from the list of stuff about Chuck Norris.
57. And he wasn't born in 1974. The list gives "1940" as his birth year, but that doesn't seem right. His beard is so healthily gray-free.
58. I can't get away from that goddamn Chuck Norris list. It's everywhere right now.
59. I was born in 1974.
60. I wear a size 10 shoe.
61. I don't care what other people think about me.
62. Except you. Your opinion means everything to me.
63. So uh... you like me, right?
64. You know what, don't even answer that. It was stupid and needy and just... I'm embarrassed I even asked.
65. But if you were going to answer, you would have said "yes", right?
66. No, no. Sorry again. Can we just pretend that didn't happen? Thanks.
67. I have never put "product" in my hair.
68. By "product", I mean another man's semen.
69. That's what those Queer Eye guys mean when they say it, right? Because they're all... you know... queer.
70.Holy shit, am I only at #70?
71. This is like running a goddamn marathon.
72. I assume it's like a marathon because I don't run.
73. Even when chased.
74. If pursued, I turn, face and destroy.
75. I've never been chased twice by the same person.
76. I have never lost a game of "tag".
77. I have been to England and to France.
78. In both instances, I never left the airport(s).
79. I stepped off the ramp, took one look and said "Nope, too foreign," and went immediately back to the US of A.
80. America is awesome.
81. I know #80 is not technically about me, but America is awesome and I am an American, which means by association that I too am awesome.
82. I am Catholic.
83. I was an altar-boy very briefly in my youth.
84. I've never had any kind of sexual contact with a priest.
85. The old man never even made a pass at me.
86. I am still bitter about this. I mean, at least give me a chance to say no.
87. Sure, like Timmy was so much more attractive than me. I was the poor one with no father at home. I was the obvious choice, but noooo.
88. I was a poor kid.
89. I had no father at home.
90. Neither #88 nor #89 are as big a deal as you'd think. Except when working the sympathy angle with the ladies.
91. I moved somewhere in the range of 15 times between kindergarten and high school graduation.
92. I developed agoraphobia as a defense mechanism.
93. That in conjunction with my newly developed vertigo, I not only don't have to leave the house, I can't even stand up from this chair.
94. I weigh 475 pounds.
95. I have not seen the sun since 2003.
96. My skin is a sickly, nearly translucent yellow color.
97. It really grosses out my albino neighbor.
98. Oh my God, finally, 98!
99. Do I really have to think of one more? I don't think I can think of one more. Nobody has one-hundred-things-worth of personality.
100. Entries #3, 16, 21, 31, 38, 45, 61, 62, 67, 90, 94 and 98 are all lies.

[The Narcissus Scale refuses to compute numbers larger than 10]



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