The Last Ever Pops' Bucket Entertainment Report
I'm in the grocery store waiting in line. Completely by accident I glance at some of the trash mags on the rack huddled around the checkout. Splashed across several of them is the battered face of Paris Hilton and I wept.

Apparently she got smacked around by a Backstreet Boy. Let me say that again. Apparently she got smacked around by a Backstreet Boy.

As if the shame of publicly showing your bruises weren't enough. Now she has to live with the speculation that they were caused by a bird-chested castrato nancy boy. Or to quote Chris Rock, "If these are the guys from the backstreets, who lives on the front streets? Big Bird?"

Paris is not a big girl, but I'll take her in their rematch, if there ever is one. The guy's got highlights in his hair, for God's sake.

But you know who I really feel bad for? Nicole Richie. I mean Jesus, what does this poor girl have to do to keep up? First she tags along like baggage into Deliverance-land, humiliating herself by blandly aping her taller, less heroin-addled (but still clearly addled) companion, and now this.

I can think of only two things she can do now to match Paris profile for profile. First: get herself cut in a knife fight. Not just nicked either, I mean like a cool Inigo Montoya scar on her cheek or something. That'd be trendy. Second: marry Britney Spears. Look, it worked for that dude Britney's marrying. Ever heard of him before that? Me neither. Hell, I've hardly heard of him since, but you can't escape the news 100% if you own a television or generally have eyeballs. And look what happened when all Britney did was tongue Madonna. That was front page. Iraq? Al Qaeda? No! They can wait. Britney swapped some saliva with Madonna! Stop the presses!

Seriously, stop the presses. You can start them again when you learn to stop embarrassing yourselves (and me) with this stuff.

I have one other question: who are these people and where did they come from? And further, Nicole Richie is supposed to be Lionel Richie's daughter? Seriously?

I mean, look at Barack Obama. One parent of African descent and one of European descent. Can you tell? Me neither. That's a black dude.

Now look at Nicole Richie. Same deal parentally, but she's like... gold-colored. And her face... I look more like Lionel Richie than she does.

I know Lionel isn't exactly dark skinned, but he was a Commodore. That should count for something, genetically speaking.

I wouldn't ordinarily care, but they keep showing sailing on the Olympics, so I have nothing else to occupy my time.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 5.6


Pops


PS: Do I really have to say outloud that Pops does not endorse violence against women? I even condemn violence against men, especially against this particular man. That is all.

- posted by Pops @ 9:53 PM