Oprah, Princess of Darkness
First of all, Blogger is somewhat fnorked, so I hope this actually works.

This has been (and is being) done to death out there amongst my blogging compañeros, but the subject matter is too sweet to let pass without snapping my teeth at.

Read the whole story here here first if you're one of those who are way into "accuracy" and "truth" and other encumbrances.

For those of us less burdened, I will sum up: Oprah Winfrey killed a guy with her bare hands. It's true. Pops wouldn't lie to you.

Actually I would. The sooner you learn that the better. But no, in one of those instances when the Bizarro Universe intrudes upon our own, someone thought it was a good idea to pick Oprah Winfrey to be on a jury. And much to my surprise, she assented to a guilty verdict in a murder trial sending some guy up the river for life or worse.

Do they still have that death penalty moratorium in Illinois? I can't be bothered to look. Or was that even Illinois? I hope you people don't come here to be informed in any meaningful way. If you do, I apologize.

My first thought is about the prosecuting attorney. There is no way I put Oprah on a jury if I'm trying to get a conviction. I can just see her getting all Henry Fonda Juror #8 on everyone once the doors close on that jury room.

But score one for criminal justice as Oprah got spooked by the violence of the case and agreed to bury the formerly-alleged perpetrator. Further, it seems as though it was a pretty open-and-shut kind of a case.

You would think that someone with Oprah's influence and the general sense that she has a modicum of intelligence she would have been able to avoid this mess altogether. She should do what I do when I get a jury summons. Yes, it's wrong to throw them away, I admit that, but in my defense I am always careful to deposit them in the proper recycling recepticle.

So given that she's a) smart b) famous and c) smokin' hot, there has to be some other ulterior motive for her agreeing to the humiliation and shoulder-sagging tedium of jury duty. I have two theories.

1) She's plotting a future show. I can see it now: live satellite feed from Death Row, Oprah and the Man She Put There.

OPRAH: Thanks for agreeing to be on the show.
INMATE: I know where you live! I saw it in Februrary's In Style. You can't hide from me!
OPRAH: I acknowledge your frustration and your animosity, both well justified. I admire the way you own your feelings.
INMATE: Aaaaaargh! No prison can hold me! Aaaa! Aaa! AAAAAaaargh!

And the repeated Tazer zaps render the prisoner unconscious.

2) Oprah seeks a whole new direction for her show. Now she's got her first taste of blood, like a shark. Will she change now into a manhungry devourer of souls, revelling in the dark side of the human experience? Will she change from exploiting the personal triumphs and tragedies of otherwise unusual Americans in favor of a policy worshipping at the feet of the Unnamed One, exulting in an endless Bacchanalia of lust, degradation and destruction culminating in a month-long orgiastic celebration replete with bloody gristle and cracked bone as she bathes herself in the blood of a hundred virgins?

One can only hope.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 3.5


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 12:56 PM