¿Quién Es Más Macho?
I didn't have any great desire to watch the Bush speech last night and luckily for me, I had my class from 7-9pm (Pacific time, people, keep up). So I didn't have to watch it live.

But being the responsible citizen that I am, I decided to give it a look-see over at C-Span's website. One problem: they use the Real One Player for their archived video. Tragically, this piece of software was obviously fashioned by sneaky liberals because it kept rejecting the speech and taking time out to "Communicate" with... something. Its pot dealer probably.

I stuck it out and made it through (most of it) though because I love my country almost as much as I love opportunities for sarcasm.

One note: George loves himself some applause breaks, doesn't he? He paused every third clause or every time he got to a proper noun. And the delegates dutifully filled in every pre-scripted space with old-timey revival-meetin' jubilation. Quite a contrast to Kerry's "Can we get through this, I'm double parked" method of delivery.

One more note: Although my principle objection to GWB is every policy he's ever implemented or suggested ever, there is one more thing about him that irks me. Machismo. There's nothing more skin-crawlingly, pretentiously, abjectly fake to me than machismo. I kept waiting for him to rip off that tie, pop off the first 8-10 buttons on his shirt and crack into a six of Pabst Blue Ribbon right there at the podium. That said, I know that wasn't aimed at me. That was all for you, Laura Bush. Tonight you will fall into glowing post-coital sleep wrapped in the not-at-all doughy, white arms of a real man, not no candy-ass New England blue-blood Ivy League Yalie... oh.

But really, I've heard there's no sex like post-presidential-nomination sex. Except for maybe post-presidential-re-nomination sex. And you're all welcome for the visual imagery.

OK, well, back to the substance of the speech, such as it was: Great educational reform needed. Help for seniors with prescription drugs. Tax relief. Forthright, simple "leadership". Trickle-down economics. Fiscal responsibility.

Hey, I get it! It's the 2000 speech again! That's smart seeing as it worked the first time... er, well, minus half a million votes nationally, but still, the job got done.

Wait wait, oh... one thing... this is kind of embarrassing, but um... if you didn't do any of those things the first time you promised any of them, why do you need four more years? I'm just asking.

Really, I swear, it was the same speech except with the not-very-subtle "John Kerry is such a pussy, isn't he?" undercurrent.

Oratorically speaking I'd put him somewhere between a cigar-store Indian and a plinth. Between himself and Dick Cheney this is the least animated ticket since Calvin Coolidge and Vice President Pile-Of-Granite-Rubble ran for re-election in 1924.

I heard someone on TV say that Bill Clinton, in helping devise strategy for Kerry, put it to John Kerry (no, not that way) that if everything were going great for GWB, economically, militarily, no Iraq fuck-up, etc. why would you still be a better alternative to Bush? And if he could answer that question, then he could run an effective campaign.

It might be unfair to ask this, but take away 9/11, remember that speech Bush gave (or the entire convention even) and now let us ask: What exactly is the compelling reason anyone should vote for him again? All things being equal, what part of the George Bush plan should America be clamoring for? What does he really have to show for four years in office?

OK, besides a couple whole, shiny new countries to play with over there in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Seriously, what? Anything? I'm asking.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.8


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 10:36 AM