Unsolicited
I suppose it's inevitible that the same topics will come up on multiple blogs day to day since we're all stuck with sharing the same current events. Of course I am referring to blogs meant for public conusmption and not the ones about how we all went out for Chinese food after cheer practice and Billy Wilson put straws up his nose and ohmygod it was soooo funny.

But more often than not I'm finding the topics covered in this particular blog will overlap with my close personal friend MPH's Heightened Thoughts. There are several reasons for this, but a few I can identify 1) We both find Dick Cheney amusing/disgusting and 2) I steal his topics. MPH's I mean, not Dick Cheney's. If I were going to boil it down to just one causal factor, I think it's obvious which one it would have to be; that Cheney really is a douchebag, isn't he?

So then it was no surprise as I prepared* to write this thing I noticed his topic from yesterday was very close to the topic I was going to cover today: spam.

But then, in a fit of uncharacteristic motivation, I actually read his Spam-flavored post. I'm glad I did because it was--I will grudgingly admit--funny. Funny in a conventional, "ha ha, that's funny" kind of way though, not funny in a conceptual, inaccessible, scratch-your-head, shrug-your-shoulders kind of a way that I usually go for. But nobody's perfect.

The other reason I was glad was because his post is about actual Spam, the processed meat-like substance that has no dog, cat or horse meat in it whatsoever. None. Don't give it another thought.

No, what I wanted to talk about for just a second is what is colloquially known as "spam", all the unsolicited junk mail we get in our various e-mail boxes.

The topic of spammers tends to change in waves. Keeping that in mind, I would like to offer an open letter to spammers, saving me the time of responding to them each individually.

Dear Sir or Madam:

Hi!

Thanks so much for your correspondence. It meant a great deal to me personally. Just seeing something in my Inbox dulls the lingering, strangling pain of my loveless, friendless existence. It was your e-mail that drove me to step off the chair after I pulled my head out of the noose. Thanks again.

Unfortunately, I must respond to your proposal in the negative. All my time and money are currently tied up in Thai sexual tourism. Keeping that in mind, I am not interested in:

-Vicodin, viagra or any other prescription drugs "cheep!"
-A "free" X-Box/laptop/MP3 player in exchange for "just click[ing] here"
-"F.R.EE" access to hardcore adult internet sites.
-"Hot!" incest pictures.
-ANY incest pictures.
-Debt/loan consolidation with companies nobody's ever heard of.
-Penis enlargement.

With regards to this last one, while I appreciate the concern from Dr. Willy Long and Dr. Stretch:HER, I'm more than a little disappointed with the obvious breach of doctor-patient confidentiality in openly contacting me about this. I was told the consultation would be completely discreet.

Other than that, I thank you again for your concern. If you're ever in Bangkok, look me up.


Pops


* = "Prepare" might be a little too strong a word. I sit here. I stare. I try not to drool, not always successfully.

- posted by Pops @ 10:24 AM