I'm The Real Slim Shady And I Approved This Message
My Sunday is going to be full, so I'm posting on a Saturday. Just a few more between now and Election Day and I thought it would negligent of me to send you, my loyal readers, out to the polls without as much of my guidance as possible. You are welcome.

With news breaking all over the place and things changing on a minute-by-minute basis, I thought it would be helpful to stop for a second and examine the news cycle as it is with one question:

Which new video will be more relevant on Tuesday, Osama bin Laden's or Eminem's?

One is a series of outrageous boasts and distortions by a petty thug drunk on his own overblown sense of self-importance. The other is by Osama bin Laden.

For comparison purposes, here's a link to the lyrics of Eminem's "Mosh". Feel free to check my work.

Which one will have more of a direct outcome on the results Tuesday? Let's go to the video tape!

Eminem says: "I give sight to the blind my insight through the mind/I exercise my right to express when I feel it's time/It's just all in your mind, what you interpret it as/I say to fight, you take it as I'mma whip someone's ass."

Bellicose and bragadocious.

Osama bin Laden says: "We fought with you because we are free, and we don't put up with transgressions. We want to reclaim our nation. As you spoil our security, we will do so to you."

This is a tough call. Bin Laden organized horrific deaths in the thousands to back up his words while the best Eminem can say is that he pulled a gun on a guy once in a parking lot and didn't even fire it. So when it comes to believing what they say, I'm tempted to give this one to Osama. But the Happy Sheik makes no effort to rhyme at all and thus loses on style-points. Maybe it sounds better in Arabic or maybe with a drum-and-bass beat behind it, but that's mere speculation and we're dealing with facts here.

Point to Eminem, 1-0.

Eminem says: "No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil/No more psychological warfare, to trick us to thinking that we ain't loyal/If we don't serve our own country, we're patronizing a hero/Look in his eyes its all lies."

Bin Laden says: "But after the injustice was so much and we saw transgressions and the coalition between Americans and the Israelis against our people in Palestine and Lebanon, it occurred to my mind that we deal with the towers. And these special events that directly and personally affected me go back to 1982 and what happened when America gave permission for Israel to invade Lebanon... And as I was looking at those towers that were destroyed in Lebanon, it occurred to me that we have to punish the transgressor with the same."

Osama is trying to sway us with his personal story, an old politician's trick used most recently by John Edwards and all his "son of a mill worker" stuff he drones on and on about. Bin Laden does get marks in his favor for revealing something experts in the highest levels of US intelligence have been wondering about--why the WTC specifically? It reminds me of that scene toward the end of Working Girl where Melanie Griffith is able to reconstruct her idea for getting Trask into radio, leaving that bitch Sigourney Weaver out to dry. Very inspiring and she got to run off with Harrison Ford. Bin Laden's position on Harrison Ford, alas, he leaves purposely obscure.

But again, Eminem is one step ahead. He gets the basic geopolitical question ("blood for oil") while Osama gets bogged down in details. Plus, that song is bumpin'.

Point to Eminem, 2-0.

I think I can see the writing on the wall, but let's press on, shall we?

Production value: Eminem's got light-shaded computer generated characters in black hooded sweatshirts marching in time to his music against a 3D CGI backdrop. Bin Laden... Isn't this guy supposed to be a multi-millionaire? Spring for a set designer, my God. One static camera pointed at a guy behind a desk who is dressed like he just got out of the shower. I kept waiting for him to throw it over to Carl with the Local Sports Report. Very poorly done.

Point to Eminem, 3-0.

Overall Rhetoric and Tone: Bin Laden goes for sarcastic mockery, bringing up points of cronyism, nepotism and the influence of the military-industrial complex. He's clearly seen Fahrenheit 9/11. The cumulative metaphorical message is "Fuck Bush!"

Eminem actually says "Fuck Bush!"

Again, Point to Eminem, 4-0.

Look, this is going really badly for Osama bin Laden. I was going to leave the decision up to the only democratic institution qualified to judge between the two--of course I'm talking about MTV's "TRL". But they don't even have bin Laden's new video as an option to vote for, while Eminem's is clearly featured.

The people have spoken.

I think bin Laden's work has really gone down hill. I remember his early videos. They were so dark, full of mystery and danger... visionary really. Gone are the dirt-floor huts, the AK-47s, the fawning sycophants, the backdrop of rugged mujahadeen-friendly terrain, the bikini-clad hotties hanging out the sunroof of a Bentley. Sure, sometimes it was hard to tell an OBL video from an SUV ad, but once the man started talking, you knew exactly where you stood. Blood in the streets, innumerable dead, unnumbered tears, etc. Almost incendiary in their artistic integrity.

Now, we know know how Mr. Mathers is going to vote, but what about Osama? He sounds all anti-Bush, but right at the end he says:

"Your security is not in the hands of [Democratic presidential nominee John] Kerry or Bush or al Qaeda. Your security is in your own hands. Any nation that does not attack us will not be attacked."

What the hell is that? Has he gone all Undecided Voter on us suddenly? But then I thought ah, no. I see you working, Osama. Crazy like a jihadist fox you are.

Osama bin Laden says: Vote Nader.

In the interest of equal time, I give the last word to Mr. Shady:

"Someone's tryina tell us something,/Maybe this is god just sayin' we're responsible/For this monster, this coward,That we have empowered/This is Bin Laden, look at his head noddin'/How could we allow something like this without pumping our fists/Now this is our final hour."

I can't say it necessarily inspires me to rise up unless, perhaps, for the purposes of subsequently shaking my ass. I can be moved in that respect.



This post on the Narcissus Scale: 6.8



Pops

- posted by Pops @ 10:48 PM