One Door Closes, Another One Also Closes
Briefly, I'd like to offer my congratulations to the Boston Red Sox and their fans. I don't want to get into alot of baseball, but I would like to point out that now without their kooky "curse" to define them, now they're just a big-ass baseball team with the second highest payroll in the Major Leagues behind the Yankees. Teams that win are infinitely less loveable.

I also think between the number of really really old people holding on to life exclusively to see the Red Sox win compared to the number of children conceived last night (really, if you couldn't get laid in Boston last night you should seriously consider whether or not you're cut out for all this "sex" business at all), I think the birth-death index in New England should come out a flat line. Good news for funeral directors and OB/GYNs.

One last thing: The FOX Network insisted on labeling cut-away shots of US troops watching the game in Iraq as "Multi-National Force" in the graphic they used. It looked like all Americans but I bet there was one Polish guy in the back somewhere trying to figure out why these Americans are getting so excited about a cricket match and, not related to that, why they won't let him leave.

So to John Kerry from Rupert Murdoch on Almost Election Eve: A big hearty "Fuck you!" I commend you on the subtlety of your dig, Rupe. Subtlety not really being your forté, I'd say you pulled it off well. Kudos to you, sir.

Speaking of things that are spirit-witheringly depressing...

In an unprecedented bending of time and space that should be impossible under all known laws of physics, the good people of Florida have already completely screwed up the 2004 presidential election. And it's still five days away!

Thousands and thousands of absentee ballots just vanish. Great. I guess we shouldn't worry, though. The US Postal Service is on the case. If there's any body known for it's thoroughness, care and profession expediency, it's the US Postal Service. Should be sorted out in no time.

I'm calling right now for a government sponsored cost-benefit analysis. What would the difference be between letting Florida participate in the election and the resulatant aftermath vs. hiring a couple of hundred bulldozers and earthmovers to dig a trench along the south borders of Georgia and Alabama and just cut Florida loose altogether?

Of course that's probably unfair. We should really give other states a chance to fuck this thing up as royally as Florida did. Looking at poll numbers, I'd say there are 4 or 5 potential Sites of Democracy's Complete Discreditation this year.

As we speak there are a multitude of efforts in several key states to actively suppress the vote by political operatives. If the media is to be believed, there are all sorts of political operations designed to affect voter turnout in one party's favor or the other, some of them legal and legitimate, some of them Republican.

In terms of failed-states, the favorite this year (besides Florida... remember, to become the champ you have to beat the champ) is Ohio where the man who "oversees the elections process" as well as "investigates election frauds and irregularities" as part of his official job description is J. Kenneth Blackwell, Secretary of State. He is (coincidentally) also Bush-Cheney '04 State Campaign Associate Chair. The conflict of interest alone is enough to give Floridians a faint glimmer of hope.

If the Red Sox could do it after 86 years, nothing is impossible. It's OK, Florida, dare to dream. It just may be possible that some other state will have to be America's Drunk Uncle for the next four years and we'll stop ignoring you at family gatherings and saying vicious, hateful things behind your back.

Well, the first one anyway. Come on, you can't get off completely scot-free. You're still responsible for Joe Scarborough.



This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.0


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 9:34 AM