Beating Off The Global Pandemic Of Impure Thoughts
America is a dangerous place. Everyone knows this. Terrorists, foreign and domestic, want to blow up our shiny tall buildings. We have an extraordinarily high murder rate compared to other industrialized countries. Nuclear waste material is criss-crossing this country by unsecured train on a daily basis. Killer tornadoes exact personal vengeance on people with whom they are displeased. Victims of adultery regularly set their husbands on fire, go to jail only to eventually get out, go to college, lose 20 pounds and find a new man who won't cheat on them, beat them or rape them.

Those last few I got from the plots of TV movies, but I think you get the general idea. With the eventual exception of the scorned woman rising again to self-esteem and a size 6, we're dealing with some heavy shit around here.

Some of it is so freaky they won't even talk about it on the Lifetime Movie Network.

But still, somehow, I sleep well at night. Sure, part of that is because of the 72-ounce Super Big Gulp filled half and half with RC cola and rum, but past that, I rest under the comforting Laser-Beam Umbrella Of Morality that is our government.

See, when we had our elections nearly three weeks ago, we thought we were voting to keep us and all future generations safe from the scourge of gay sex. Imagine my delight when I realized just today that when you buy Homophobia, you get one heapin' helpin' of Generalized Sexual Repression for absolutely no additional cost!

That's right, consumers. Oil up the locking mechanism on those old chastity belts. The Moral Majority has arrived to save us all from our nasty, horny, animalistic selves.

The holy and righteous power of the Federal Communications Commission has already been unleashed on ABC for daring to show the uncovered shoulders and back of a white woman in the presence of a black man.

And now--God be praised!--instead of getting bogged down with nonsense like air quality or the terror war or law and order, the full weight of the United States Senate has been unleashed against the abomination of pictures of people in various states of undress. And these are available to the general public!

As we all know, it is not enough to avoid sin itself, but also the "occasion of sin", the act of putting oneself in the position to be tempted in the first place that is to be avoided. Clearly the federal government is in the best position of any other body to take this task up directly.

Oops, there, I nearly did it myself. I said "body" and "position" in the same sentence. You see how it works? You start thinking about bodies in positions, then you start Googling "Sally Field naked" or something, then you're abusing yourself in horrible (but probably totally hot) ways. But soon self-gratification will not be enough. Then it will be sex with your partner. Then sex with strangers. Then whores. Then multiple whores. Then multiple midget whores, a bucket of chum, multi-directional sex toys and Madonna. Then members of the same gender. Then children. Then animals.

The dots are so close together they practically connect themselves.

No, the only answer is to outlaw sex altogether. Not just to doing of it, but the looking at it and--hopefully, eventually--the very thought of it.

This problem of people engaging in sexual acts is so ingrained, so intractable I have very little hope of stamping it out altogether. It probably won't matter in the end, though. We'll all soon be dead from mad cow disease or Iranian nuclear missiles anyway.

But we're not doing this for us, oh no. This is for the vegetarians and cockroaches who will be left to repopulate the planet when a lethal mix of red meat and nuclear fission wipe the rest of us out. The dream is that they won't have all this sex business getting in the way of their task.

We've taken the first step.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 3.5


Pops


PS: My kid did really well yesterday. I have video to prove it.

PPS: Mrs. Pops is off all next week, so this might be a little sporadic for the next nine days or so. She unreasonably insists that we "spend time together" which really cuts into my sitting-alone-in-front-of-the-computer time. She is hot though, so I tolerate the intrusion.

- posted by Pops @ 9:31 AM