Have We Learned Nothing From Moonlighting?
This post is Steph's fault. I guess I could go back to the post and get the evolution of the idea all in order, but really, I can't be bothered. As far as I recall, it had something to do with Steph's burning unscratched carnal itch for Tom Hanks.

I know, you're all thinking "Tom Hanks, really?" but as far as I can recall, that's what she said. I'm not going to try and explain it because, frankly, it defies explanation. Although it's probably important to point out that she's an "artist" and there's just no telling with those people.

Anyway, past Steph's bizarre and disturbing proclivities, we were making fun of The Da Vinci Code (sorry SJ, the consensus amongst the Bucketeers was "Sucks", with you being the lone "Sucks Not" vote) which, honestly, I could do full time, 40 hours a week for a year. What I thought was funny was that the two lead "characters" (that's a whole 'nother post), one male and one female, who had shared nary a second of romantic chemistry along the course of a crowded, self-satisfied plot suddenly and inexplicably at the end are suddenly all in loooove.

Now, I realize that I'm talking about The Da Vinci Code, the book with a giant masochistic ascetic albino giant as one of its principle bad-guys. Subtle shadings and intricacies may be asking too much.

But it's the cliché that irritates me: every time in every movie/book/TV show that involves lead characters of opposing genders, the end up sleeping together.

Always always always.

Look, I recognize it's an easy way to set up dramatic tension either as characters fumble their way toward awkward coitus or as their couplings unravel into plate-throwing and lawyer-retention. But as a convention it's become so ingrained that the internal narrative logic of it has become inescapable.

Even a show whose entire premise is the antagonism of the two lead characters will always end up with sweaty boot-knockin' just as soon as the writers run out of decent ideas. Hence the horrible last 4 seasons of The X-Files.

The worst example of it, I think, is probably the 2002 Clint Eastwood steaming pile o' film Blood Work. Clint played a heart transplant recipient looking (rightly and bravely, I thought) every second of his 72 years old. I would like to emphasize that last word: old. And let's not forget the heart transplant recipient part of his character. He meets up with his heart donor's sister, 30 years his junior. She plays the plucky Hermione to his wrinkly, easily winded Harry Potter as they sneak around trying to solve some damn thing or other.

But even though he's got 30 years on her, even though he looks like a walking corpse, even though he speaks in that unintelligible emphysema whisper, even though he's got this woman's sister's heart (which in some small way makes it incest, doesn't it?) Clint still gets to bang this woman.

Why? Why God, why? Because him man, she woman, trapped in same plot.

She even fondles his nasty zipper-chest heart-surgery scar as foreplay. I realize I'm using alot of italics, but that's because I know you can't see me sweating as I write this. There's no other way to convey the existential crisis this subject is causing me.

Seriously, don't see this movie. I'll spare you: Jeff Daniels did it.

What you're thinking now is: "Pops, what do you care? It's just a comfortable narrative convention used to give artificial depth and meaning to characters and character relationships in media forms with limited time/page space to do so. Chill the [curseword of your choice] out already."

You'd worry too if your wife worked in a field that is 80%+ male. If the convention holds true in real life and male-female parings in the workplace can't help but do it and do it alot, then my wife would have to be the engineering equivalent of Jennifer Lopez. Not with the giant runaway ass, I mean indiscriminately sleeping with co-workers.

No no, I shouldn't worry. My wife has very little in common with Jennifer Lopez. For instance, Mrs. Pops can actually sing.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 6.1


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 9:21 AM