Nowhere Man
With the state of Yasser Arafat's health an open question these days--and doesn't that guy from the president's press conference feel quite the ass for "informing" Bush of Arafat's death that day--I have decided, in the best traditions of the Bucket, to forego patience and exactitude in favor of a long stream of premature obituary-type remarks on the basic justification that I feel like at this exact moment. Very American of me, I must say.

And who knows, by the time you read this, he'll probably be dead anyway so you won't know the difference.

Yasser Arafat was born in Egypt in 1929 and then given a long string of names I do not care to remember or try to spell, none of them--curiously--Yasser.

We all know a great deal about Arafat, so I won't bore you with alot of the details of his younger days. Suffice it to say the creation of Israel was not his best day.

I think the most interesting part of his life, though, was during his years abroad in exile, especially when he became the drummer for a little English rock-and-roll outfit called the Beatles.

My research tells me he first encountered the Beatles in Hamburg in 1962. Young Yasser fell immediately in love with their energy and their sound and decided he would make himself part of it. This led to the brutal murder of original Beatles bassist Stuart Sutcliffe, done with the intent that Yasser would then replace him.

Yasser was heartbroken to realize that playing the bass was a tremendous pain in the ass. His next move was more subtle. Realizing he needed a fall-back replacement in case he couldn't handle the drums and be forced to off George or, say, Paul, Yasser organized the dismissal of drummer Pete Best by publicly condemning him as a "Zionist".

This being the early 1960s, the plan was a resounding success. Knocking things around with some old sticks proved to be right up his alley and Yasser was in.

His incomplete grasp of English led him to adopt the regrettable stage name of "Ringo Starr", to the unending amusement of his bandmates.

The unexpected global success of the band drew Yasser away from Palestinian politics, though he did find time to organize the Al Fatah cell under the umbrella of the Palestinian Liberation Organization sometime between gigs and banging groupies four at a time.

He rode the Beatles wave as long as he could, but by 1970, the band had begun to drift apart.

John, under the tutelage of Japanese militant communist transsexual Norman Francis "Yoko" Ono, was itching to start his long, arduous and ultimately successful 11-year campaign to have himself gunned down in the prime of his life.

Paul, unnerved and exhausted by the pressures of worldwide fame, was anxious to get out from under the spotlight. He would guarantee success in the coming years by producing some of the most unlistenable "popular" music in recorded history, first with Wings and climaxing with dubious collaborative efforts such as "Say Say Say" and--most notably--the completely unlistenable "Ebony and Ivory", the only song ever to make Stevie Wonder wish he was deaf too.

George, as everyone knows, went completely batshit insane, insisting he was in fact Indian which resulted in the unforgivable crime of naming his son "Dhani".

As for "Ringo", he returned to his birth-name and his first love: the cynical manipulation of the Palestinian cause for personal gain. He spent the next 20-30 years of his life organizing the deaths of hundreds, if not thousands, of people, many of them innocents. For his long years of labor, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1994.

Mohammed Richard "Yasser" Abdel-Raouf "Ringo" Arafat Starkey As Qudwa al-Hussaeini Starr is/was/will be remembered by many different people in many different ways: Patriot. Soldier. Terrorist. "That guy wot sung that octopus song."

Farewell (soon... probably), O Man of History. We hardly knew ye. Er... You. Whatever.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 3.5


Pops


PS: Sure, you scoff. But look at this and then look at this and you tell me they're different people. Go on, try.

- posted by Pops @ 10:15 PM