Riverside Pride
The region I call home has been getting something of a bad rap lately. And no, I don't mean just from Red State opportunists who like to paint California as Bacchus' Playground... although, I think maybe if Bacchus found his way here, he wouldn't want for something to do.

But that's beside the point, no. I mean the area I'm from, Riverside County. Specifically I mean the communities of the western edge seeing as the eastern and central 80% is all desert and/or semi-desert inhabited entirely by Joshua trees, several species of endangered desert reptiles (put there by God to be run over by dirt-bike-riders) and meth labs. I've been told we are to methamphetamine production what Afghanistan is to heroin production. We expect the Delta Force commandos any day now.

No, this is the western county, in a little notch where LA, Orange and San Diego counties nearly meet. It's the place people live who can't afford to live in any of the three others.

Normally it's pretty humdrum. All housing developments named after obscure and exotic parts of Italy or France ("Provence" or "Toscana" or "Abattoir"), all the same color beige with very little to do outside the bi-weekly cul-de-sac key party.

There has been some (very very mild, but still) national attention given to two stories out of this area lately. One, in nearby Norco some guys got convicted of organizing a party on a golf course. I agree, this is already grounds for arrest on the charges of Boringest Party Idea Ever, but add in the little tents strategically placed between holes (no pun intended) wherein the prostitutes were housed and you got yourself the top story on Extra.

I must acknowledge that my close personal friend MPH mentioned this story once and thus avoid any raging fit of apoplexy ending in a stroke on his part.

And in Corona, another adjacent town, security cameras caught two men chasing a woman down, forcing her into a car trunk and then driving off at a local Dirt Mall. The "scandal" apparently was that the security camera caught everyone else in the area standing around taking no notice of an obvious kidnapping, let alone trying to intervene on the woman's behalf. In their defense, let me say I know from personal experience you can buy just about anything at that particular Dirt Mall. Were I there, I may have reached the unalarming conclusion that these men were simply having trouble with an awkward bit of recalcitrant merchandise.

That said, I thought it was incumbent upon me to point out some of the positive aspects of the region I choose to call home... and no, not just because I can't afford to live in Orange County, I really do want to live here. I do. I do. Shut up.

Here's some stuff:

Famous people who are/were from the area.

Aging NBA star Reggie Miller (you're welcome MPH and everyone else in Indianapolis)

Cheryl Miller, Reggie Miller's sister, the greatest female basketball player ever. You don't know her because she pre-dated the instant global superstardom factory known as the WNBA.

Travis Barker, drummer for the band Blink-182. Seriously, the best drummer currently working. Yes I am biased, but if you ever get a chance to see them live, do it. You will instantly agree with me.

Burt Ward, who played "Robin" in the old Batman TV series who now lives in Norco. I may be stretching the definition of "famous".

OK, that was a shorter list than I'd hoped. Some trivia then:

This is the city--Riverside, where I live--where Richard Nixon got married, at the local landmark hotel the Mission Inn. Funny story: Richard Nixon and I got married in exactly the same place. Not to each other obviously, but in the same chapel at the same hotel. The hotel itself (not the chapel... that would be weird) is also the regional headquarters for the local Republican Party. And suddenly I feel less good about mentioning it at all.

Boy... um... well, most of the cities here were founded by religious settlers fleeing persecution. Riverside still has a large Seventh Day Adventist population, which would be fascinating if it didn't mean it was just about impossible to get anything dry-cleaned, baked for you or rented to you on a Saturday because every other fucking store is closed. Alright, we get it, God rested on the seventh day, which is technically Saturday. Rub our faces in it why don't you. Man, they're worse than the "the milennium doesn't start until 2001" crowd.

OK, how's this: for about 75 years up until the mid/late 20th century, we provided the United States with an overwhelming percentage of your citrus fruit. Oranges, lemons, grapefruit, limes, what have you. So if your grandparents and parents didn't have scurvy, you have us to thank for it.

Oh! And also we're #1 nationally in both smog and commute times, which is a polite way of saying stand-still soul-crushing traffic in all directions. But #1 is #1... so suck on it, Houston!

If anyone from any local Chamber of Commerce is reading this, you're welcome.

Riverside County: Come By Forced Kidnapping, Stay For The Golf Course Whores.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.3


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 11:07 PM