What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing (Outside of the Intrinsic Entertainment Value)
It seems that some ABC stations don't want to air Saving Private Ryan in all it's unedited glory, a tradition now for 4 years on Veteran's Day. I think I can understand why: that movie is totally overrated.

While I give the film credit for daring to show Matt Damon as brave gay soldier James Ryan and the very satisfying way they managed to show disembowelment in all its glory, the ending of that movie is so horrible as to undo all the otherwise good stuff in it.

It's supposed to be a front-line war reporter-type view of the truth(-ish) of combat, a kind of anti-John Wayne look at military service. Everyone dies quickly and/or painfully, without much warning or cosmic narrative sense.

That is, right up until the veeerrry end when the Star, Captain Tom Hanks, dies. No, he lies there wounded after performing a feat of bravery for the good of all mankind, and as he does he gets to eek out one last line of important, totally spontaneous plot-related advice to the title character: "Earrrn th-thisssss..." Gurgle, gurgle, expire.

Very John Wayne and therefore completely unacceptable.

But I will say that other scene toward the end where Adam Goldberg (he who would go on to dazzle us as The Hebrew Hammer) gets slowly killed with his own knife after a long fight with a Nazi has and will (tonight, for instance) ruined many a night's sleep for me.

As alternate programming on some ABC stations, you can instead watch Return to Mayberry, the excellent "Andy Griffith Show" reunion piece that ties up all the loose ends and unanswered questions that bedevil American minds. I guess technically it addresses the questions and loose ends that bedeviled American minds back in 1986 when the thing was made, but come on, the names are really funny. Opie. Goober. Gomer. Barney. How can you go wrong?

No, the real controversy with regard to Ryan is from fear of reprisal by the FCC's George-Bush-America Thought Police in a post-Janet Jackson climate. In order to try and mitigate the inevitible damage caused by young people being exposed to swearing and images of violence not accompanied by a bumpin' Jay-Z song, John McCain has recorded a WARNING! introduction for the start of the film.

That John McCain. He'll do just about anything to stick it to George Bush. You kind of have to admire that.

Or if you didn't want to watch the lovable Tom Hanks lovably cursing while people around him are being lovably blown to grisly bits on broadcast TV, you had the option of switching channels entirely to watch Last Letters Home, an HBO documentary where families read letters they got from their sons/daughters/husbands/wives/etc. who had been killed in Iraq.

I seriously considered watching this one, but then I opted to sit in a bath of broken glass and vinegar while punching myself in the face over and over again. It seemed like the less masochistic option.

Instead, to honor America and her brave veterans, I spent the two-hour block of time during which Ryan and Letters aired playing Medal of Honor: Allied Assault multiplayer. Since I was feeling particularly patriotic, I only played as a Nazi very nearly less than half the time.

But when I did play as an Allied soldier, you can rest assured I made those digitally rendered representations of Axis motherfuckers pay.

It was the least I could do.

I mean that absolutely literally.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.2


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 8:34 AM