America's Ambassador To The World
Man, you mention Nicole Richie one time and your site becomes a clearinghouse for every diseased junkie-loving perv with internet access. The Bucket was found yesterday by someone googling the search string "Nicole Richie Snuff Pictures".

For the record, there are no Nicole Richie snuff pictures on this site, nor do I even have any in my possession for distribution. The closest I think I can come to that are some pictures on my hard-drive of Mackenzie Phillips where she looks kind of sleepy. Sorry.

Moving forward...

As part of his bold post-reelection plan to fix all the shit he broke in his first term, President Bush is abroad. If you read that aloud it almost sounds like I'm saying the president is "a broad" which is funny because "broad" is really old slang for a "female". So it's like the president is, like, a girl and stuff. Ha ha ha.

Look, this is what I'm reduced to, OK? The bastard won, which means Cheney and all his other handlers have slammed the lid down hard on President Me-No-Talky-So-Good. He's not out there making the daily gaffes that kept panting bloggers like me in business for the summer. This shit isn't easy, people. Have some compassion.

OK, so anyway, when I say he's "abroad" I mean it in the narrowest sense since he's only up in Canada. He's trying to fix relations with our somnabulant neighbor to the north. The populace up there has been wakened to fury by Bush's visit. They were already whipped into a snarling frenzy by cabin fever (winter starts in June up there) combined with a total lack of NHL hockey. So the normally personable Canadian people are all over Bush like Mick Jagger on... well, bush.

Let's take a second and consider: how much of a complete motherfucker do you have to be to piss off Canada? I was in Canada once. Just to see what would happen, I walked up to a random Canadian guy and kicked him square in the nuts. Want to know what he did? Well, obviously, he fell over, writhing in pain, but I'm sure if he could have spoken, he would have said something like "Pardon me, my fault entirely" and then tried to walk it off. They're that civil up there.

G-Dub (I call him by his hip-hop street name) has handled the situation so far in the only way he can. When it was pointed out that a vast majority of Canadians disagree with him on a whole raft of international issues, he said:

"We just had a poll in our country where people decided that the foreign policy of the Bush administration ought to stay in place for four more years."

He's quite the silk-tongued diplomat. No "It's in the interests of the US to work closely with our Canadian partners and friends," or anything so conciliatory or constructive. Basically his response was "Fuck 'em. Hosers."

One of the major outstanding issues is the ban on Canadian beef in the US in the wake of the mad-cow disease scare of 2003. Since Bush is a Texan and no kind of coast-dwelling vegetarian fag, he's all for the lifting of the ban and plans to see what he can do. See, when you control every branch of government, it's tough to get the ball rolling. Apparently we need more time.

So the Canadian beef is coming. The very thought of it makes my arteries whistle.

And it's just in time too. Driving home this morning I heard a commercial. California-based health food boutique café Carl's Jr. (it may be known as Hardee's near you, a much more comically flexible name), innovators in the field of burgers-banned-by-the-American-Heart-Association have announced the arrival of their mega-giant Pastrami Burger.

Just think of it: not only do you get 1/2 pound of flame-grilled non-Canadian beef, but now it's topped with what I'm sure is the finest quality low-fat fried pastrami. You can get it with their famous Bacon Drippings And Cream Cheese Sauce for only 39¢ more!

This is a chain famous for it's subtlety. Take for example the commercial they've been running that features a hot chick sitting on top of a mechanical bull, riding it on what I can only imagine is called Simulated Fucking Speed while slowly eating a hamburger dripping with all manner of sauces.

It's completely tasteless. The commercial I mean, not the burger. I'm not sure if that particular type of advertising works on me or not. I do know that the smell of frying meat suddenly has a disturbing Viagra-like effect on me. Is that wrong?



This post on the Narcissus Scale: 3.9


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 10:54 AM