An Open Letter To Lindsay Lohan
Dear Ms. Lohan,

Despite the best efforts of your mom, your agent, your publicist and your entire team, I do not want to fuck you.

I see your coy, semi-nude Entertainment Weekly cover and I understand the process all too tragically well. You can vamp it all you want in all the cleavage-enhancing outfits you can get your freckled hands on, it's not going to work. All the blood is going to stay up around my brain.

It's not that I don't appreciate the effort, I do. And I more than understand where it comes from. I get that you've been told it's necessary to make this tactical choice now that you're 18 to "cross over" from your Parent Trap and Freaky Friday days picking up Jodie Foster's kid-star scraps. You need to broaden your appeal beyond the pre-pubescent girl market. Lots of people told you the best way to do that was to try and make older men want to bend you over a chair Kobe Bryant style.

Yes, it's quite a quandary you find yourself in, Ms. Lohan. These are choices all child stars have to make if they want to continue in "the Business" as we call it. There is the wander-off-to-college route (Jodie Foster again!)... and then there's the one you've apparently had chosen for you. Armed with basic good looks and being under 300 lbs., you've got the opportunity to parlay your physical attractiveness into attention from disposable-income-having adults, thus (it is no doubt hoped) shedding your pre-boobies image of wholesomeness.

And don't get me wrong, boobies are a powerful tool. If I had boobies, knowing what I know about them and how they affect the human mind, I'm fairly certain I'd be running a large part of the world by now. Either that or I'd be in a traveling freak show, one or the other. I guess that depends on whether or not by having boobies I would also be a female. If I were still me plus boobies, well...

I'm sorry. Where was I?

Ah yes.

In some ways, it's easier for boys. All former boy child stars have to do is play a drug addicts or a homosexual in an "edgy" independent film to make their transition. This is not to say it always works (anyone remember Jonathan Taylor Thomas? No? Me neither), but by and large they get to keep their pants on.

I guess it is nice that you, Ms. Lohan, at least have the option of turning suggestive poses and partial nudity into gold, unlike the boys or ugly girls (poor Hilary Duff and her giant, unphotographable head). Your mother understands this. In the EW article accompanying your cover, she points out "last year has been very hard on her famous daughter: 'Lindsay's at a very tender age. You know, she grew,' she says, cupping her hands to her chest in an unsolicited address of Lindsay's oft-questioned cleavage. 'They're real, by the way.'" The article doesn't say if she gave a wink and a nudge as she said it. She's obviously got your best interests at heart, though, I must say.

The problem for me personally aren't the pictures. It's the fact that you give interviews. Some of the quotes are just ice-cold buckets of water on what should be percolating lechery. Two examples from the EW article:

"'Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, they've been going to the same clubs I'm at, but you never hear about it. But when I do it, it's front-page news!"

And responding to reports of your crazy ass, rehabbing dad, breaking up with your TV star boyfriend, getting stalked by paparazzi while hanging out with Paris Hilton and public rumors of your own drug use, you say "'I'm kind of glad all that happened, because people know that I'm a real person and I deal with real issues.'"

I don't think alot more needs to be said. The quotes notwithstanding, you were going to have a tough time trying to find a space in the crowded cast of nude and semi-nude female celebrities that people my subconscious anyway. I'm not saying it will never happen (never give up!), but realistically you're going to have to dislodge Tyra Banks or Elle MacPherson or Florence Henderson which I don't see happening in the near future. Sorry.

In closing I would like to point out that the reason for my lack of interest is not because I think you are in any way fat. I'd hate to think my firm rejection would drive you to bulimia. Really, it's not worth it. Just say no.


Best,

Pops


PS: Watch out for that Tommy Mottola. That guy's all hands.



This post on the Narcissus Scale: 3.7

- posted by Pops @ 9:59 AM