Precious
First, some fun with search-engine results that turn up this here blog, with a little help from my friends at Sitemeter. These are absolutely true.

1. chloroform white slavery

2. how to swear in Iranian

(note: I think it's called either Persian or Farsi, no? Come on googlers, get your shit together)

3. tamale steaming bucket

I've gotten this one before and then mentioned it, so now the Bucket (the blog one, not the actual... oh, you know what I mean) is ranked #3 on Yahoo! Search for this string. Please keep your congratulatory comments under 1,000 words if possible.

And now today's pièce de résistance:

4. girls cherry pops during sex

Ladies and gentlemen, out of 37,000 results, Pops Bucket is the #1 listed Yahoo! return for this search string. Yes, it frightens me as well. Shame on you whomever you are for searching for it in the first place.

Pausing... allow readers time to brace themselves for the topic change.

Three two one go.

OK, now that I got the blog weirdness of the last two days cleaned up all neatly and professionally as only I can do, I am finally able to post what I wanted to post about yesterday.

It seems that Australia has decided to drop the word "soccer" to describe that game that no one in countries where the term "soccer" is used gives a shit about (right here in the good ole U. S. of A. for example). They have decided to adopt the Old World "football" in its place.

What we have here is an endlessly fascinating sociological, historical and linguistic puzzle. It may well be a watershed in the field of evolutionary post-colonial linguistics, shedding some real light on heirarchy of shared language between countries that once shared a motherland/colony relationship as Australia and Great Britain (the originators of "football") obviously did. In an odd way, hearkening back to the "older" usage is a way of modernizing, economically and culturally, as Australia emerges in the 21st century from sleepy backwater kangaroo-violating, slopey-hat-wearing gaggle of toothless convicts into a vibrant, connected world player on both the macro-economic and globally cultural stage.

Asleep yet?

Ahahaha, I was just kidding. I'm not going to write about that crap. I'd have to give a shit about Australians who, last I checked, are total foreigners.

Unless you are an Australian reading my blog, in which case you're one of the rare enlightened ones. And I love you.

Really I'm just trying to avoid posting about the goddamn "Christmas program" at my kid's school last night. Yes I know, another one. The kindergartners had one song to sing. So in the course of a 90-minute program I gave a shit for exactly 3 minutes.

I spent the rest of the night in a Hogan's Heroes rerun trying to extract my child from the clutches of overprotective self-righteous Catholics. At first they flatly refused to release any kids before the entire program was over. One thing about volunteers, though: if you "accidentally" stick a thumb in their eye, they're suddenly alot more receptive. Ironically, it seems to help them focus.

It's not like the program was completely useless, though. I learned something: hey, did you know the Messiah was born?! Very long time ago, from what I gathered. And in a stable surrounded by animals. Doesn't sound very hygienic if you ask me. Humblest of beginnings. Sure, he's a half-divine Savior of All Mankind, but he's reg'lar folks, just like you and me and all the rest of us who were born surrounded on all sides by sheep dung.

All I wanted from the evening was not to be the parent of the kid who vomited on stage. I got my wish. A Christmas miracle.

And because vacation starts tomorrow for my kid and Mrs. Pops (with whom I am well pleased... have I mentioned that?), I'm off the Ritalin and rolling with the ADHD. All this to explain yet another abrupt subject shift into something I just need to mention.

A group of med students at University College London have spent acutal time and energy on a full medical work-up of Gollum. No, not the actor who played the voice of Gollum in the Lord of the Rings films, the actual pretend non-existent character Gollum his own self.

As an American, I'm somewhat annoyed. All the really stupid time wasting ideas at the university level usually come from us. We're the country that invented whole courses on Madonna or Friends, not to mention that total scam major "Communications". The Brits are nosing in on our turf.

As for the actual study, diagnoses ranged from "schizophrenia" to "multiple personality disorder" to "a bit barmy" to "total wanker". I apologize if any of you are confused by the scientific jargon.

You can't get a decent flu vaccine from them, but if you have any CGI characters whose behavior has you worried, the UK is the place to go.

My favorite line fromt the article though: "His bulging eyes and weight loss also suggests a thyroid problem, they added." Prescription: Photoshop.

I'm obviously limping to the finish line. The whole family will be home every day until after the New Year, so I'll post when possible. If you need to ration just for safety's sake, read one paragraph of this post per day or until the headaches subside. Good luck.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.5


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 8:25 AM