Stay Together For The Kids
O woe to be me, the product of a broken home!

How horrible it is that I wasn't forced to grow up with two people who despised each other every single day "for my sake". How awful to have the great lead anvil of divorce guilt levitating over the heads of both my parents, ready to fall at my command, to save me in my dark hours of dire need like that time I really wanted a skateboard. I got two.

And how terrible it is to see both my parents living the lives they always wanted on their own terms. Yes, Republicans are right, divorce is a nightmare. I mean financially for the parents. For we the children of divorce it's mostly a massive relief.

The one catch is at holiday time. Double the family means double the obligation to show up somewhere, furthur complicated by my own marriage requiring me also to visit in-laws (while my own parents' divorce is fine, I thank God my wife's parents are still together... there's only so much ham a guy can eat in one day).

Again, though, bully for me as both my parents live out of state. So it's all day at the in-laws. And they just bought an X-Box. You know, for my kids; although I'm not sure how my cherubic little angel children are planning on prying the controller out of my hands. I still enjoy a significant size advantage. And I know aikido.

My minimal obligation to the people who bore me (read that how you want) is my once-per-year trip to the post office in December to mail off the same damn crap every year by way of "presents" (any guesses? Yes that's right, pictures of the kids).

Usually this means two-to-four hours of building homicidal rage as I wait for my USPS Professionals to process the three dozen people ahead of me in line.

Today was the day I went this year. This was by far the latest I've waited. I left the shotgun at home, just so I wouldn't be tempted.

But lo! What is this I see before me?

Just as I go to take a number, a very helpful, not-at-all gay man with a USPS badge around his neck suggest I interface with his machine. After I was sure that wasn't the worst pick-up line ever, he escorted me to this little ATM-looking contraption with a scale attached to the side.

Package on scale. Insert credit/debit card. Enter ZIP code. Postage at hand. You may go.

90 seconds, max.

It's a Christmas miracle!



This Post on the Narcissus Scale: 5.7


Pops


PS- by the way, blink 182's song "Stay Together For The Kids" is one of my favorite songs ever. I'm just saying.


UPDATE: This just in, thanks to Sitemeter's mutual stalking applications. Are you a born again Christian? Do you knit? Join the Christian Knitters Blog and Webring today!

How they found the Bucket I will never, ever know. I can only imagine their disappointment. I'm tempted to send them along to Heightened Thoughts, but then I just figured I should leave the poor bastards alone. Completely, completely alone.

- posted by Pops @ 6:30 PM