Bound
Some nights I just can't sleep. Sure, usually it's the hairshirt and all the other complicated array of self-torture devices I sleep attached to in order to keep me safe from my own impure thoughts, but those are absolutely necessary. My subconscious is a filthy, filthy place where every depraved sexual fantasy and fetish lurks, safe from the active iron resolve of my waking mind where I can supplement my own will power with the help of Jesus and lithium. The bad thoughts wait there, ready to strike just as soon as my guard slips. And that's why I lock myself into the erection-proof solid-steel thong every night. Just in case you were wondering.

The reason for my sleeplessness recently, though, goes beyond the sweet discomfort of physical restriction. Instead I am wide-eyed and panicked during the sleeping hours by people. They're everywhere. And they all have individual little minds, making their own individual little decisions, all without the benefit of my indefatigable vigilance for the causes of decency and right-thinking.

But I am not without hope. Actions have been taken recently that buoy the spirit, that elevate soceity as a whole with the cleansing flood water--a tsunami if you will--of spiritual purity. All thanks to our Beloved Leader, too.

The first thing is minor, but so obvious. Greasy-haired hatchet-faced "rap" act Kid Rock has been dropped from the bill at one of the inaugural balls. I know, you're probably thinking "Is it because he has no discernable talent?" You would think so, but no. Actually it's because he once put out a song with the following lyrics. It shames me to reprint them as they are not suitable for decent people to read:

Pimp of the Nation, I could be it
As a matter of a fact, I foresee it
But only pimpin' hoes with the big tush
While you be left pimpin' Barbara Bush
What's up granny
First name Annie
Dried up cunt and a saggin' fanny
The highlight of your sex adventures
You wanna suck this, take out your dentures*

Yes, wearing furs as a grown man along with that stupid hat and ridiculous mullet should be enough to disqualify him from... well, any human endeavor, but these lyrics are the last straw. Leave the Bush inauguration entertainment to the big-time celebrity guests such as... um... well, I can't actually think of one right now. Minus Kid Rock, though, I think we as a nation have dodged a bullet.

I actually have a second reason for encouragement. It turns out that nothing will be allowed to interfere with the Bush administration's plan for total national conformity. Not even national security. I nearly wept for joy, then, when I read today that more gay military linguists have been fired exclusively for their sexual preference than had been previously reported. Three times as many! Oh wonder of wonders! And they were all Arabic or Farsi speakers! What resolve. What courage by our military. Think of it: when the next 9/11-type attack come in we won't have any Arabic-speaking homos on the earphones being distracted by thoughts of hot, hot sodomy. Everyone knows the military is only for butch tough-guys who speak American and only like to have anal sex with women.

I know I'm not the only one relieved by all this happy news. Think of all the laughter in foreign capitals around the world. Actually you know what, don't. They're foreigners, after all.

These evils put to bed, I know I will sleep well tonight. And when I do--if my will-power holds up--it will most certainly not be in the company of a shemale prostitute. Last time was the last time. I can do it, I know I can.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 5.3


Pops


*=many thanks to the good people at Virtual Pus for saving me the trouble of looking up the lyrics myself.

And PS- I couldn't figure out a way to work this story in, but you should check it out anyway.

- posted by Pops @ 8:45 AM