Tuesday, January 25, 2005
There's been alot of action on the Culture War front this week. In most cases I would say we on the left get and give the best "action" since we're all for drug-enhanced multiple-partner sexual deviancy, but when it comes to drawing stark battle lines on questions of perceived morality, we are far outpaced by our brothers and sisters on the right.

All the details of the specific recent public incidents have been documented all over the blogosphere and sufficiently mocked by people within my circle (I've been recently informed that I am part of a circle, which is strange because I always felt more segmentally trapezoidal) like MPH and SJ, so I'll spare you.

The general theme in common is the effort of the Christian Right to combat the "gay agenda". That's their great and powerful enemy, the rampant "gay agenda". It lurks in every shadow covered in a thin, tattered trenchcoat waiting for unsuspecting little children to walk by so it can leap out and expose itself to them. And as we know, not only is the "gay agenda" insidious and dirty, it's primary target is America's children.

To be honest though, I'm a little frustrated. The Christian Right likes to talk about thwarting the "gay agenda". First of all, that's a mistake because as we all know there's nothing the gays like more than a good thwarting.

Second, the Christian Right never spells out what exactly the "gay agenda" is. That's why I keep using the annoying "quotation marks".

I think it's time we all stopped pussyfooting around and laid out once and for all just exactly what the "gay agenda" is. I'm thinking if we all are on the same page talking about the same thing, maybe we can end this destructive conflict and all start pulling on the same end of the rope. So to speak. You know, "pulling the rope" metaphorically, but not dirty metaphorically although I see how you could make that leap. Actually, it's making me laugh a little bit right now. Heh.

Yes yes, "gay agenda".

I am going to use my highly specialized training as an historian to get to the bottom of this. That means consulting the documentary evidence, citing the information that helps me while ignoring the contradictory and then making up a bunch of bullshit filler and calling it "analysis" or "synthesis".

Man, grad school was fun.

Anyway, as my s0urces for reconstructing the hidden "gay agenda" I am going to use the words of the Christian Right themselves (they seem to know what it is, after all). In addition I will be consulting the only mass market venue for actual gay people (not fake gay people like those hetero neuters on Will & Grace) clandestinely filmed in their natural habitat. Of course I'm talking about Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

So without further ado, I present to you sans quotation marks, the uncovered Gay Agenda.

1. Open recruitment of heterosexuals to join their ranks. Since we know same-sex couples cannot spontaneously reproduce, they must recruit in order to keep their population up. This will mean the processing of hundreds of thousands of people per day through massive regional Gayification Centers located in all major US cities. Any man with product in his hair or woman not wearing lipstick will automatically be assigned "gay" and forced to live a life in sodom-tastic sin and use words like "fabulous".

2. Under the guise of "tolerance" children will be taught to accept deviancy without question in all forms starting with homosexuality but eventually including incest, pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia and whatever it is Anna Nicole Smith does (it's got to be something really fucked up, doesn't it?). Honors students will be required to think of a whole new deviancy all by themselves. Further, all children regardless of gender will be required to attend thirty-hours of blowjob classes before graduating high school. Phallus-shaped fruits or vegetables for practice will not be provided by the school.

3. It will be expressly illegal for ugly fat white Republican men to deny the advances of gay men. The scores and scores of homosexuals who have been dying to get a piece of Jerry Falwell will be allowed to come out of the woodwork and--finally!--break themselves off a piece of that. Also, your unshaven toothless uncle who always says "Them gays are fine, jes so long as they don' try nothin' on me" will be gang-banged on television.

4. Private property will be abolished, terrorists will be invited to perform a Massive Bombing Of The Week on a monument or public space of their choice, French will be made the official language and the White House will be re-painted in rainbow stripes and rented out on weekends for all-night raves. Ecstacy will be provided to all.

5. Hair highlights and gym membership will both be compulsory.

6. Not only will gay marriage be legal, but hetero marriage will be outlawed. All children produced as the union between a man and a woman will immediately be offered to a gay couple. Rosie O'Donnell gets first dibs.

This is obviously only a partial list. But I think we might be on our way to a more open, mutual understanding. Now that we all know what we're talking about, we can let the healing begin.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 4.3


PS- The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert was on NPR last night. As the interview progressed, he said he was worried that a long analysis of the jokes he'd done and why things were funny would be unfunny and boring. Worries well founded, Stephen. Love ya and all, but wow.

Ah, it's good to know that I'm being attacked by part of the gay agenda rather than the fact that I'm just that hot to lesbians. I was starting to worry. But now I can rest easy, knowing that I am in fact part of a gay conspiracy to take over the world....

Thanks, Pops.
7. The myth of 'hot lesbians' will be exposed as just that: a myth. One hour of every day, straight men will be forced to watch 250 lb Rita "The Butcher" Carpaccio violate a bulemic Latino lesbian named Lupe.
Two words; Portia de Rossi. Although, since she is going out with Ellen now, I guess 'hot lesbians', or 'hot lesbo action' as I say All The Time, is still a myth, or not a myth, or potato salad.
The gay agenda... I'll take it over Compassionate Conservatism any day. I especially loved Agenda Item #3.
Ah, finally Blogger has decided to let me post a comment.

Please, no "haloscan is better" lectures. It's been just as sketchy.

Jess: Helping is what I'm all about. That and cash.

SJ: You obviously haven't seen The L Word.

Rambuncle: Is "Portia de Rossi" technically three words? It's hard to say.

Steph: I claim #3 as my intellectual property. That way I'll be in line to make the fat cash when we get it on the pay-per-view.
Yeah, because the L Word is such an accurate portrayal of the lesbian world, like The OC is for my life. Wait, I do have a hot gardener...
Hot lesbians a myth? I say bah! If hot lesbians are a myth, then someone please explain my mom? God she is one tasty looking woman.
Steph: I'm going to ignore your sarcastic attempt to convince me that The OC is not an accurate portrayal of SoCal life. You couldn't be wronger.

For instance on that show they make fun of Riverside and San Bernardino counties, JUST LIKE real OCers do. I get chills...

MPH: I think we may all need some photographic proof to back up your very disturbing point.
I turned on my TV after reading this post, and it was just a black screen with this message: "All your base are belong to us." I'd say they have advanced their "agenda" pretty far.
Larry: Thank Jesus we still have Pat Robertson to protect us from their total victory.
Well OK, that part of the OC is true.
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