So You Want To Be A Blogger
Welcome and Happy New Year!

So you woke up this morning having already broken 90% of your New Year Resolutions. Not only did you eat fast food, but you did so off the back of another dead naked drug-selling hooker while not running on the treadmill you bought four years ago. Ah well, nobody's perfect.

But there's still the one where you said you wanted to "write something". You don't have the stamina, imagination, will-power or talent to write anything anyone would ever consider buying. What's a New Year Resolution maker to do?

And that is how you stumbled onto the idea of blogging. "It's not like anyone checks this stuff for quality," you thought, "how hard could it be?"

The answer, of course, is "A hell of a lot easier than you could have possibly imagined."

But now you have to provide some kind of content. The trick is to strike some kind of balance between doing as little work as possible but still drawing enough suckers in to read the thing to keep your fragile ego hovering above the red line marked MESSY BLOODY SUICIDE.

Since I have posted more than once, that makes me an expert on blogging. You'd be surprised how many of these things dry up and blow away after the first "Hey whats up Tony sed I shud do this so here I am wit my new blog!!!!!! leave comments!!!! hugz!!!" post.

Don't want to fall into that trap? Pops has the answers to all your questions.

To write and maintain a successful blog, there are only two things you need to know and remember at all times while writing. Here they are. Pay close attention.

1) Nobody gives a shit what you think. Nobody cares what book you're reading or what you thought about whatever movie you last saw or what kind of music you like or whether or not you'd fuck Britney Spears or who your friends are or what you think about the president or why your boyfriend is so special or how goddamn insufferably cute your kids are. Nobody cares. Nobody. Least of all me. I don't know you and you don't know me. Stop trying to impress me. Your "ramblings" or "rants" or "observations" or "musings on life in general" are no use to anyone anywhere ever and should be quietly kept to yourself until you die miserable, cold, hungry, forgotten, alone and unmourned in some rainy alleyway somewhere very very soon.

2) You don't give a shit about #1. It can never, ever occur to you that nobody gives a shit about what you think. You're going to post it anyway. Like everything else that involves thinking and writing and knowing, like every single other philosophical or historical or epistemelogical truth, the basic truth of blogging is paradoxical: the less interested you are in the opinions of other people, the more interested they will be in your opinions. The more inward, narcissistic, self-involved, self-important, delusionally self-referential you are the more people will flock to your blog and eat up what you have to say.

Provided you are not retarded and speak the language they are trying to read.

Although those do harbor some of their own intrinsic prurient value.

Call this one 2a) If you read through #1 and were offended, insulted, discouraged or in any way dissuaded, stop trying to write a blog immediately. This is not for you. Do you have any idea what people are going to say in your Comments about the ridiculous self-important nonsense you throw out there for all the world to see? One time I got called a "pinheaded masturbatory venereal disease pustule of a sad excuse for an infected boil on the ass of humanity". I banned my mom's access to my blog the next day.

Thick skin, people.

And an infinite propensity for denial.

Drinking doesn't hurt either.

Welcome to the blogosphere.

Good luck.


This post on the Narcissus Scale [back from the dead]: 4.5


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 9:01 PM