Who's Looking Out For You?
As part of my overall plan to re-make my life along the lines laid out by the great infallible Dr. Phil, I've decided to stop beating my wife and kids. They'll be disappointed, but Dr. Phil says I must, so I must.

The scheme also involves exercise, community action and pro-activity, all of which I mean to get to eventually. Probably in the summer when all the TV shows are in reruns.

I have begun to strictly monitor what I eat. I will no longer, for instance, fry my peanut butter banana and marshmallow sandwiches in butter.

Also, when the fast-food craving hits me, I make it a point to hit the Wendy's. I've always avoided Wendy's in the past. I don't know why, but I suspect it has something to do with their square hamburgers.

Most of my geometry-related phobias have been handled by tweaking the dosages of my meds, so Wendy's is back in. I'm happy to say my self-makeover has been made all the easier by this franchised corporate giant taking an interest in my personal health. I think it's quite big of them, really. It's good to see an institution that size act purely out of altruism. Hang on, I'm tearing up again.

OK, back. Wendy's (how do you apostrophe that to denote ownership? Wendy's'?) great plan involves offering alternatives to french fries as a side order for your Great Big Giant Super Duper Meal package. You can get healthy alternatives like a baked potato (topped with bacon, pretend butter and one full pound of sour cream), chili (less said the better), or a salad. Whether or not you put the cream cheese pork fat vinaigrette on top is completely up to you.

All this goes alongside your 1/2 pound fried beef bacon triple-cheese four-layer jalapeño ranch Artery Burger with extra chipotle mayonnaise.

Wash it all down with four gallons of healthy, healthy Diet Coke.

And for the kiddies, you can get mandarin oranges on the side instead of fries, which is actually a good idea. They also offer chocolate milk instead of soda, which sounds great until you realize pre-packaged chocolate milk is about 1 part milk and 3 parts corn syrup.

Again, this comes with a carcinogen-loaded beef patty fried to death. Or chicken nuggets, which are a whole 'nother post.

How long do you think it is before Wendy's realizes that hamburgers themselves are bad for you?

This is a little off the subject, but do you think that the day the first person died from Mad Cow disease was the happiest day in a lot of crazy vegan hippie's lives? You'd really think they'd celebrate something like that. I can't even imagine the sense of vindication that comes from completely inadvertant revenge.

It must have been akin to how right-wing Christian fringe types felt in the early days of AIDS when it was thought to be a fatal gay-only disease. It was even misnamed GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency).

But I guess it isn't fair to equate vegans with right-wingers Culture War extremists. The latter has never been dissuaded by the evolving (did I just say "evolving"?) picture of AIDS and it's very real threat to reckless heteros. If you look hard enough, you can still see a few of them holding up their AIDS KILLS FAGS signs.

That really tells you all you need to know about those people, doesn't it?

I'm not sure what the second half of this post has to do with the first half. I do know that I've suddenly got a powerful craving for a burger.



This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.1


Pops



PS- Somebody tried to stab Christian Slater in London, which got me thinking: Christian Slater is still alive?

PPS- "London" is not a euphemism for one of Christian Slater's body parts. That's the place he was in when someone tried to stab him. Rumor is the assailant tried to stick the knife right up his Weehauken.

PPPS- I heart London.

- posted by Pops @ 1:12 PM