Won't You Please Help?
Man, it's been a rough couple of months. There were those hurricanes all over Florida in the fall, the earthquake and tsunami in Asia, the mudslides and flooding in LA County. And I didn't even mention the November election results. It's just been one natural disaster after another.

It's all got me pretty down. I just can't help thinking: what's wrong with us out here in Riverside County that we don't deserve some natural-disaster love of our own?

I mean sure, we had that earthquake in Fontana a week or two ago, but at 4.4, please. That's just Mother Nature totally patronizing us. Remember, we're the region that nearly burnt to the ground two years ago in one of the largest wildfires in recorded history. We've proven time and time again that we can do it. We're deserving.

I was so relieved then when I read this morning about a possible rupture and leak at Prado Dam in nearby Chino. Sure, it's technically in Chino which is in San Bernardino County but it overlooks Corona, in the RC (as the kids probably aren't calling it), where all the evacuations thus far have taken place.

I think we've all seen enough disaster movies to know what happens when a dam springs a leak. The effects were covered extensively in such highly acclaimed nature documentaries as Superman and X-Men 2. Trickle, gusher, burst, flood. There's a giant wall of rushing water in there somewhere from which we will all get to run in front of, screaming and waving our hands.

While my house is not in the direct line of fire should Prado Dam 'splode, I would like to thank the (sub-)urban planners who put a bunch of houses and freeways and golfcourses in the shadow of a giant dam. The idea is in California if you have a dry square foot of land, you build on it. Even if that dry square foot of land is technically designated a "river". The Santa Ana River, which flows largely underground and whose chief physical marker is not an obvious flow of water but random, incongruous clumps of reeds between buildings, is choked with roads and mini-malls and rail lines and homes and freeway overpasses. 98% of the time, this is no problem.

We are now staring at that fascinating 2%.

And ooh, guess what the first type of development is in line for destruction should the dam burst. Go on, try. Give up? That's right! A mobile home park.

We already know how they fare against tornados and hurricanes. Now's our chance to see if the fuckers can float.

As a former mobile-home resident, I can only marvel at the foresight of the people who cobble these little communities together. It seems to me that the flimsiest of structures should only be built in places where they can reasonably expect to survive. Say in a solid steel-and-concrete bunker 2 miles below the earth's surface, nestled snugly in unbreachable bedrock.

But no, somehow they always manage to end up on floodplains and in lowlands. The park I used to live in seemed to be in a suprisingly safe location in the hills. No tornados and virtually flood proof. The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that it must have been built on top of an Indian burial ground housing the angry spirits of wronged natives with the power to summon an inhuman man-eating beast of horrible, unstoppable, insatiable supernatural force. In retrospect I was damn lucky to move out before it could be awakened.

In light of the inevitable Prado Dam disaster now looming, I have decided to get in on the ground floor with the relief efforts. Inspired by my president, I am launching a pre-emptive strike against disaster by encouraging you all to send me money. Should the dam burst, all proceeds will go toward helping the unfortunate people stupid enough to live under a dam. Rest assured that if the unthinkable remains unthought and the dam stays where it's supposed to, the money will go to a good cause. I will put a CD player in my minivan. It only has AM/FM and 4 pre-sets. It's pretty brutal.

Think of the children.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.1


Pops

- posted by Pops @ 9:24 AM