Friday, February 18, 2005
Land Of Trees And The Mysterious, Elusive Flying Shoe

Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.

Oh the doldrums of blogging in February. Too late to recount the time you on New Years' Eve when you drank too much pink champagne, threw up on your mother-in-law and then spent the next three days in the hospital recovering from hospital poisoning, too early to tell the story about how this St. Patrick's day when you will drink too much green beer, throw up on your mother-in-law and spend the next three days in the hospital recovering from alcohol poisoning.

Basically, it's hard to be a blogger when the occasion to drink artificially colored alcoholic beverages is non-existant.

It doesn't help that there's absolutely nothing else going on. Nothing.

As sharp and painful a memory as last year's election is, man, I'd give anything for those days again. Every other week one of the two candidates would make an ass of themselves in some easily-bloggable way. Then I could knock this thing out in 15 minutes with a brief re-cap stolen from other blogs, add some easy dick jokes and I'd be back in front of the TV watching the 1952 Olympic bronze medal curling match on ESPN Classic.

What we need is a political event with some splash, with some zazz, with some pop. Something like a debate. Remember how easy those were to cover? We could immediately adopt Our Guy's wild misrepresentation of the Other Guy's position and then boo and hiss when the Other Guy did it to Our Guy. Plus, it was always an excellent opportunity to use the word "douchebag". Everyone instantly knew what you were talking about. All the points of common reference handled themselves; no need for exposition or explanation and certainly no reasonable cause to write a three or four paragraph introduction of nonsense just to establish a questionable quasi-comic premise.

Imagine my shock and horror when I realized this morning--completely by accident as I dug deep, deep, deep into the various internet news services in order to avoid blogging about how Bono was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize (again)--that last night I had totally missed some kind of stealth debate held way up in the media-and-politics hotbed of Portland, Oregon between new DNC Chairman Gov. Dr. Howard Dean and Defense Department advisor, neo-conservative PNAC-flavored war-profiteering douchebag (yay!) Richard N. Perle.

It's possible that I may have made up my mind before the debate started.

Apparently, the event was a blogger's dream. It seems to have been centered wholly on the issue of Iraq when the event was billed as a general foreign-policy forum. It's hard to say for sure since all I have to go on are local news reports. What we missed, though, was something I've always, always wanted to see in a political debate: a member of the audience screaming obscenities at one of the participants, rushing the stage and then chucking his shoe at them.

Of course I don't wish to see anyone hurt. The shoe never really came close to Mr. Perle, the target of both the obscenities ("motherfucking liar", according to reports) and projectile footwear.

Dean said some stuff about them, Perle said some stuff about us, whatever. Did I tell you a guy rushed the stage, called Perle a motherfucker and threw a shoe at him? Awesome.

The downside of the Awesome, of course, is that there's nothing left to say about it, really. How do you top thrown shoes? At least with the presidential debates you had to pretend to engage the content. Sometimes the events themselves present you with the pinnacle, a point which you as a blogger cannot top, but must simply recount and move on.

Is this what it's like to be a reporter? What a crappy, boring job. I think I understand why that "Jeff Gannon" dude branched out into gay prostitution as a complement to his job as a fake White House reporter. There's no way regular everyday news could hold a person's interest.

It does beg the question: what does CNN's White House Correspondent Suzanne Malveaux do to keep herself entertained when the White House press room goes dark?

I have some ideas. Oh yes, I have some ideas.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.1


Ah if only the shoe was a 7 inch stilleto stack boot. That would've gotten some air under it. Might have caused some REAL damage.
New Reader and Current Record Holder (All Time) for Fastest Comment After A Post Is Published award. Congratulations.

The shoe-thrower was a middle-aged dude, so it was probably some kind of wussy soft-leather rubber-soled loafer. But it's the thought that counts. Especially to the cops.
Who throws a shoe? I mean really?

Yes, I just made a goddamn Austin Powers reference. Take me out to the back of the woodshed and shoot me in the back of my head.

Oh, and Blogger is asking me to choose an identity. I think I'd like to be Ben Affleck this weekend, for the sole purpose of being able to bang Jennifer Garner this weekend.
The blogosphere moves to take down another shameless liar...Pops, you well know that Curling was NOT an Olympic Sport in 1952. If this is some sort of plot to legitimatize curling as a tradition on the Winter Olympics as some sort of blot to bring down Canadians then I say "For shame!"

Curling is fun to watch. The tension as the stone glides down the ice. The sweepers, working furiously to direct the speed and direction so that a score may be made. If only I lived in a place that got CBC, I could be watching curling all the time, instead of just every four years.
Brian: I totally should have gone with the Austin Powers, but I forgot all about it, alas. I could have saved myself many lost minutes of typing.

Rambuncle: Well, if I HAD known that I would have gone with pairs ice-dancing. Unless that wasn't in yet either. Then two-man luge. Then bobsledding, which frankly isn't nearly as funny as two-man luge.
First and most importantly: Please email me and tell me how to get popup comments.

Next, on to the shoe throwing motherfucker. Whhoooaa, that was just awesome. And even though I feel like I just channeled Keanu Reeves, I still say...awesome.

Lastly, the last new link of yours is totally not valid. (Quality Crash Tests)
That sounds alot like the debates I see in my government. They're so entertaining and when nobody is fighting or throwing things at people, they're either sleeping or playing with their noses.

Thanks, Pops, for reminding me that I really do have a reason to fall off the wagon in just a little under 20 days. St.
Wow, so exciting things do happen way up here in Portland, Oregon. I knew I lived around here for a reason. A shoe! And I missed the news broadcast. Damn.

Exactly how does one get hospital poisoning?
[as read by me:]

Blah blahblahblahblahblahblah hospital poisoning yadayada blah blah blah...


a guy rushed the stage, called [some guy Pops doesn't like] a motherfucker and threw a shoe at him...

blah blah blah bullshitting.. yada yada [type some more stuff].. blah blah [keep up the average words/post, even though it stopped mattering in.. oh.. October or so.] blah blah blah.

So what if MPH caught it before I did? It says nothing for the 9 people ahead of him who either didn't notice or didn't take advantage of the opportunity to poke fun at you, Pops.

PS: Good job, MPH. Next thing you know, you'll be a Spelling Shithead Extrordinaire, just like me. Or whatever it was that he called me.
Rory: There's a whole world out there you're missing, apparently. Don't feel bad though, everyone else seems to have missed it as well.

MPH & Sunny: If this blog has to become all about typos and accidents in your respective blogs, it can be that. I'd have to vastly increase my per-day post ratio to keep up, but it could be done.

And just so you know, it wasn't a typo. Hospital poisoning comes from ingesting part of a hospital. Those things are crawling with germs.
Speaking of pathetic news reporters, at least the Storm Watch people here in So Cal finally have something to report, instead of just standing around saying, "Well, we're anticipating some drops any minute now. It rained for 10 seconds a while ago. Really." I don't know about Riverside, Pops, but it rained like a mofo here the OC this morning. We have a drainage channel right behind our backyard that's normally a sluggish trickle, and it's roaring like the Colorado right now. And some cool thunder and lightning, too. Tra la!

Be careful you don't fall in the drainage channel...
My blog partner and I attended the debate...and the shoe thrower was actually the least interesting part.

If you're interested in the substance of the debate, I've blogged it here:
I honestly want to know how one gets hospital poisoning. I already hate hospitals and now that I have learned they can fucking poison you I want to know things about it. Excuse me for want to save myself from certain death.
Steph: We have not been spared the deluge. No sweat though, it's only supposed to rain torrents and torrents non-stop through Thursday. This will give the entire greater LA area a chance to start clean after we're all washed out to sea.

Carla: I will check it out, thanks.

And let me say I admire the way you managed to work in a plug for your own blog. Your only mistake was to link a post directly. If it were me, I would have given a general link to my blog, then made people look for the specific post. That way I could expose them to more of my genius and sunk the hooks in deeper. Just for future reference.

MPH: Now I know that not only do you not read my post (past the first few lines at least) you also don't bother to read my responses to your comments either. What is it you do here again exactly?

I said: "And just so you know, it wasn't a typo. Hospital poisoning comes from ingesting part of a hospital. Those things are crawling with germs."
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