War Eagle!
Congratulations are in order to the person who found this blog by entering the Yahoo! search words: my right foot ran over by minvan about year and after ran over my foot change color. I'm not going to lie to you people, I have no fucking idea what the person searching could have possibly been after. Are they saying that happened to them or they are indulging some kind of foot-injury fetish? I'm a little afraid to guess. All I know is that the Bucket was #9 on the search results list. I've never been more proud.

Today's actual post begins now.

I work hard for you people. I really do. Each and every day (minus Saturdays, the one day per week I set aside for forced, awkward family together time... but I'm thinking of you, Reader, the whole time I'm with them, I swear) I sit here in front of my keyboard, completely naked, crack open an ice-cold Tab (careful not to spill) and set out to entertain the nearly dozen of you who read this every day.

What you usually get is a lengthy exegesis on some random topic of my choosing, overblown and tortured for every ounce of personal entertainment I can wring out of it in the faint, faded hope that somehow, someway I might bright just a glimmer of hope and joy to the lives of people procrastinating in front of their own computers when they should be doing something else. No, I don't judge you for reading this. Although I will say it speaks volumes, people. It speaks volumes.

As for me, what do I have to show for it? Yes that's right, a handful of pretend blog friends who don't even know my real name. Don't misunderstand, you don't know my name because I don't want you to know my name, mostly because I can't afford the extra security. Motion detectors aren't free.

According to my Sitemeter, after seven months of blogging, I'm up to 7,805 visits to my site. Believe me, I'm truly grateful for each and every visit, for every second spent ingesting the chaotic festering swill that fills the Bucket each and every day. I know all of you are out there, investing the time, thinking to yourself "this is going to get good soon, I know it".

There are two cruel truths I feel obligated to share with you. First, like any book by John Grisham or fantasy hack Terry Brooks, this is never going to "get good". I know, you've put in the hours and you want your payoff, but sadly, this blog thus far has represented me working at my optimum level of competence. Sorry. Believe me, I know how you feel. I read all four of the Scions of Shannarra mini-series of novels. Yeesh.

Second, I've come to the realization that for a measly 7,805 visits, I'm working way way way too freakin' hard. As fulfilling as it can be to mildly amuse a select few bored internet users waiting for their donkey porn or stolen Bay City Rollers MP3s to download (you know who you are... as does the FBI, by the way), this is no way to become a blog-star.

I'm obviously doing something horribly horribly wrong. I mean, look over at Sugar, Mr. Poon?. That guy writes like five lines a day and he's got nearly 100 times the web-traffic this piece of crap draws. That's what I call efficiency.

Screw you people and your joy, I want to be famous.

I could stand to cut my time involvement on this thing down by a factor of ten as well.

Keeping that in mind, I've decided that I'm going to try a one-day experiment. I'm calling it the Democratic Presidential Candidate Strategy for Blog Success. Just like John Kerry or Al Gore, I'm going to pander shamelessly to every imaginable demographic. And we all know how well it turned out for those two.

If you're new here, drawn by some of the search-words you find below, please disregard all the above nonsense and start readiiinnnnnnng...

RIGHT NOW!

Hello! Welcome to my blog.

I only have a few minutes to write between classes here at the college I go to. Man, class sure is boring. I do like to drink a lot and have casual sexual encounters though boy, let me tell you. All my professors are terrible and awful and ugly and stupid except my Psychology 104 prof who is, like, totally hot.

I'm exhausted right now though. Yesterday was a long day. My significant other and I attended the joint GLBT Respect Our Rights/Hands Off Our Guns Second Amendment Rally on the lawn in front of the administration building yesterday. The demonstrations were very peaceable, believe it or not, and even though I can say I strongly disagreed with the side that I disagreed with, we had an open and frank exchange of ideas that led to greater mutual understanding.

Chris and Pat were there and they brought Pat's mom's famous tuna salad to the picnic. Pat shared the recipe.

2 cans of tuna
1/4 cup of mayonnaise
2 hard-boiled eggs, diced
4 cups Manischewitz wine
1 teaspon tarragon

I think it's the tarragon that makes it so good.

At the afterparty, these two girls were dancing together and then totally started making out and taking each others' clothes off. I heard pictures could be found at www.mythofthehotlesbians.com. Some people were offended I think and they said they would prefer www.peoplehavingsexinthemissionaryposition.com and still others suggested I try www.nopornwhatsoever.com. I think you can totally guess which one I chose. The other two are of no interest to me whatsoever.

We went back to the apartment later and watched our absolute favorite TV show ever, Lost. Or was it Alias? Or maybe it was X-Files, Star Trek, 24, Buffy, FarScape or Hannity and Colmes. I forget. Anyway, could you believe it when that guy did that thing? It totally blew us away.

Then we turned the TV off and did some knitting. As we did, we kept Jesus in mind the whole time.

We tried to get some sleep, but then the new baby kept us up. Man, it's hard to be parents in this day and age. I tell you.

And um... uh... picture of a puppy:



And one of a scantily clad famous person:



Enjoy, America! I will sit back and watch the Sitemeter smoke.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.8


Pops
- posted by Pops @ 11:35 AM