Debut
Welcome.

I have a few free moments as my wife is out shopping with my two oldest kids and my youngest is chained to the... er... I mean napping.

Speaking of my kids, as much as I treasure them and all, they ruin a lot of stuff for me. For instance, movies. Before our first son was born, Mrs. Pops and I would go to the movies every single weekend, not to mention the ones we would occasionally rent or watch on cable. Now that I think about it, it sounds a little obsessive, like maybe we were trying to avoid being in situations where we might have to actually speak to each other...

No, we'll save that for family therapy.

Today I'm here to provide a new service. I know, you're thinking "But Pops, just allowing us to read your words is more than enough of a contribution to the greater good of mankind", and you're right, it is. But I'm talking about doing something specific here.

I get to go to the movies now roughly 2-4 times per year on average. That means at best there are 48 weeks of movie releases that I am missing because I can't con anyone into staying with my kids for more than three hours in a row.

So for all the parents out there (not to mention the social cripples, the house-arrested and the agoraphobes who can't go outside), I offer the following:

Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing

I don't reject these films because they are necessarily bad. In fact some of these films I may desperately want to see but can't because I have to make hard choices about how and when I guilt trip a relative into babysitting. I mean this year alone I have to try and figure out how to see Star Wars, a new Batman, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Harry Potter... it's going to be a tough year.

So this will be my impressions of new films in general release that I have elected not to see. I will then write a review based entirely on the effectiveness of the marketing hype of the movie and how busted up I am that I have to give it a pass. Research resources will include my local paper, Entertainment Weekly, IMDb and other internet film sites, TV ads and anything else I come across passively while going about my business and making as little effort as possible.

In the end the film will be rated on the Hot Babysitter Scale as follows.


: I would only commit the care of one of my children to a total stranger in order to see this film.

: Kids are nice, but movies have to be seen.

: My kids have names, but I can't remember them. Plus I probably heard there was nudity in this film.

I only have the three kids, so that's as far as it will go. The scale lacks finesse because I can't think of a non-gruesome, un-disturbing way to rate anything half-a-babysitter. The last time I dealt with half a babysitter, the cops started asking questions.

I reserve the right to rate something ZERO Hot Babysitters, which means I'd rather stay home and get kicked in the nuts by my children.

Frankly, I'm exhausted from the setup. The actual feature is sure to disappoint now. Anyways, here goes.

...

Movies I Have No Intention Of Seeing, #1

The Ring Two

starring Naomi Watts
directed by Some Japanese Guy I Never Heard Of

The film starts off with two strikes against it. First, Pops is a big ole pussy when it comes to horror movies. I don't watch them, ever. If I want to get stressed out watching movies I'll stay home and watch my wedding video. I go to the movies to be anaesthetized against the stresses of everyday life, not to get all wound up by screechy violin music in dark rooms just to piss myself when it turns out to be the goddamn cat. Again.

Second, this is a sequel. That in itself doesn't necessarily rule it out, but I haven't seen the first part, so the interest definitely isn't there. "But Pops, how could you have not seen The Ring?!" I direct you now to the point I made above labeled "First...".

Usually I like to check out who is "raving" about the film in the ads. If it's Rolling Stone or Time or Newsweek or Roger Ebert I may pay attention. If it's Barry Geck of www.ireallylikemovies.com who says it's a "roller-coaster ride... the Best Film of the Year!" then you know it sucks.

But there is no ad for The Ring Two in my local papaer and I can't remember seeing any TV spots for it more than once or twice. These are also marks against it. How am I supposed to make a judgment as to whether or not I should go to all the effort of escaping my home-shaped prison to see this film if the studio isn't making a good faith effort to shove it down my throat?

No no, none of this bodes well. Naomi Watts is crazy crazy hot, I will grant you that, but that just isn't enough. As far as I can tell, she stays clothed throughout the whole debacle.

I have very close to no interest in this film. I would rate it Zero Hot Babysitters, but I took the time and energy to make the little graphic thingies, so I'm going to go ahead and rate it:



You are of course free to spend your money as you wish.


Pops
- posted by Pops @ 2:07 PM