Help Bucket
Somebody actually found this blog by entering the Google search string Paul Begala karate.

I have absolutely no idea how to respond to that other than to say yes, I would very much like to punch Paul Begala in the face, except now I'm slightly afraid to.

...

I think my regular readers will agree that the primary reason they come here is to learn about the world in positive ways that will help them improve their lives. My post yesterday about a cartoon I--a grown man with children--find diverting I think was especially socially constructive, even for me. It may have even been more enlightening than the post about my bridesmaid fetish. It's hard to be sure.

In the spirit of this blog's mission, I would like to tackle another specific subject very close to me. As my oldest son started school this year, I have been worried about his socialization into a group of his peers, none of whom are blood relations. Since he is my son and the inheritor of many frankly unfair genetic advantages in comparison to the simps he finds himself surrounded by every day it is no surprise to me that he has flourished. When the teacher calls my house, she weeps. I assume it's out of gratitude.

But I can't teach genetic superiority. Besides, what if seamless integration isn't what you want? What if you're worried about drugs or petty vandalism or STDs or all of the other really fun things that come with social interaction among growing children? Well reader, you're in luck because now I offer the following how-to:

How To Raise A Socially Retarded Child

by Pops

The following should not be considered "steps" so much as options. Taken in combination, however, they can increase the likelihood of a positive outcome. Sadly of course, I cannot guarantee success. I think it's fair to warn you that all failures will be chalked up to reader error and ignored.

1) Have an only child

This method, I admit, is not foolproof as the child comes in contact with other children. There is a strong possibility that the groups your child finds him/herself amongst in school or in sports or whatever will be nice and friendly and receptive, thereby fucking up all the effort you put into making a socially retarded child.

But having the child to yourself from birth until kindergarten gives you the opportunity to lay down the groundwork for a life full of isolation, ostracization and disappointment. Without any other snot-faced little brats (or "siblings") to distract, you as a parent can spend all your time and energy convincing your child that s/he is the One And Only Reason The Universe Was Created. If you're going to make this social-retardation thing stick, your child is going to have to be unleashed upon the world with a well-honed air of smug superiority. Not only will it guarantee a lifetime of difficulty making friends with people who are so obviously beneath them and failure after failure in romantic relationships, but s/he is sure to have his/her food spit in by the waitstaff of several restaurants. I didn't say the process would be without risk.

2) Home-schooling

Of the two options presented, this one is the most likely to succeed. It limits all the random variable from the equation--other people's children. Not only is the process of socialization retarded by the lack of contact with peers, but without exposure to even the example of how normal people are supposed to act, this child is fleshy clay for you to mold.

Probably a good idea to keep the TV to a minimum as well. Stick to children's TV if you have to have any at all, not so much for the educational benefits but as role-models. If they learn to talk to other people the way humans speak to each other in children's TV, they are likely to be not only ignored, but probably chased and beaten quite often in the off chance they should happen upon Other People.

While you can rest easily in the knowledge that your child only knows what you tell them (God loves America the most, the Indians had it coming, you can't trust the Jews, etc.), you may be somewhat sad that your child will miss out on some of the Coming of Age events other children enjoy, like sports or the prom.

You want sports? Let's race dad up the stairs! Or how about a vigorous game of backgammon? Letterman jackets can be purchased at any local sporting goods store.

You want a prom? A few streamers in the garage, Neil Diamond on the hi-fi, disco ball rentals are pretty reasonable, a can of Hi-C in the fancy serving bowl... who needs all the fast dancing in a crowd? Someone could get hurt, especially with all the piercings kids have nowadays. Besides, your kid shouldn't be doing things like that what with the crippling asthma they might spontaneously contract. What about a date, though? Well, if you've done your job, your son/daughter would be happiest attending their "prom" with the parent of the appropriately opposite gender. After all, you're their best friend. You're their only friend. It's a lot of responsibility, but it's that or put them in school where you can expect to raise your illegitimate grandchild(ren) while your oh-so-popular well-socialized kid is away in rehab (again).

So that's my two cents. Each approach is likely to show the positive results you're looking for. Put the two together and I can almost guarantee you will have one fucked-up twitchy goofball of a weird child. Hell, even you might get tired of them after a while. That's when you know you've done your job.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 1.3


Pops
- posted by Pops @ 10:24 AM