Friday, April 08, 2005
Movies I Have No Intention Of Seeing, #3
Just to finish my thoughts from yesterday:
And now our feature presentation...
starring: Jimmy Fallon, Drew Barrymore
directed by: Peter and Bobby Farrelly
First of all, I'd like to point out how awesome I am. Last week's Entertainment Weekly review of Sin City, which I didn't get to see until the day after I wrote my own non-review, did exactly what I predicted: it bitched endlessly about that film's strict adherence to the source material and oh, why can't these people make some kind of effort to adapt an adaptation and blah blah blah. Lisa Schwarzbaum, you suck. I would say something nastier, but she really liked Lord of the Rings, so she has some karma working for her.
This week's film has the same problem as Sin City twice over in that it is adapted from a book and a film version already exists.
Bad news for the 2005 version: I've seen the 1997 version. The desire to run out and see the same story re-told just isn't there, even if the first one did star Colin Firth, an actor with whom I have some unresolved issues.
That first movie hewed fairly close to the Nick Hornby novel (as I understand it), especially since it was about a) English people and b) soccer. None of the characters in that film were particularly likeable and the main character was a completely useless miserable bastard, but that's how he was supposed to be, so I tolerated it...
Jesus, I'm boring the hell out of myself. I can't find anything worthwhile to say about this movie. It's got Jimmy Fallon in it for Christ's sake. Yeah, he did some decent impressions on SNL, but all of his acting is done with Mr. Scaredy Face. Lots of actors have go-to tics they rely on when they can't figure out how to emote. George Clooney does the Look-At-My-Shoes-And-Swivel-My-Head thing, Hugh Grant does Mumbly-Stutter... you get the picture. Fallon always looks like he's surprised he has the ability to speak. The idea I guess is to give the impression that the scripted words are just now coming to him, but usually what I think is he's either off his ritalin or about to be hit by a train.
The reviews of his performance are mixed, but the harsh ones are pretty harsh. The Onion AV Club goes so far as to suggest he not make movies anymore. The only argument I have with that is I didn't think of it first. Bastards.
I would tell you what the Entertainment Weekly review said about this film, but my youngest emptied out his Sunny Delight (do I have to call it "Sunny D"?) all over it (and my coffee table, the dog and--eventually--the carpet). Since I hadn't committed the review to memory yet, it rests unremarked-upon at the bottom of my recycle bin.
The newspaper ad claims Ebert & Roeper give it "Two Thumbs Up", which I think is a lie, frankly. I don't doubt Roger liked it because ever since he had cancer surgery he recommends everything. That Roeper, though, he's a total dick. Watch him review any movie with a child actor in it, you'll see what I mean.
So it's got Fallon, the reviews I choose not to believe, it's a re-make of a film I've already seen, so Zero Hot Babysitters, right?
Wrong, Smarty-Pants. Thing is, I have some faith on the Farrellys. But that's kind of cancelled out by lack of faith in screenwriters Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel, the once-hot writing team who haven't put out anything that wasn't a total piece of shit since A League of their Own 13 years ago, and even that was scholcky as all hell.
What makes it not 100% dismissible for me is Drew Barrymore. I know, I know. But she's right around my age, which means I've been aware of her since ET, which equates to just about my whole life. She's been in some really awful stuff, but so has every other working actor. Yeah, she's got that pseudo-flower-child thing going on which is kind of annoying and she was married to Tom Green...
You know what, I'm going to stop before I change my own mind. For those of you who are not aboard the Drew Train, the previews do feature her getting hit in the face with a foul ball. So there's that.
One (out of 3) On The Hot Babysitter Scale.
Looks like it's Skinemax and baseball this weekend for me. Again.
PS- Is it wrong that Prince Rainier died and I still put up a picture of his long-dead wife and no pictures of him? I didn't think so either.