Friday, April 29, 2005
Movies I Have No Intention Of Seeing, #6
Before the festivities begin, I would like to congratulate the British people on sexing up their nobody-gives-a-shit election. Iraq, secret memos, ill-timed bombshells, turmoil and melodrama... if only the candidates were slightly less articulate, it would almost be as good as an American election.

They got a third page story in my newspaper. Not the side-bar either, I mean an actual story with a headline and words and everything. Impressive. I'm gratified to know that I could help with my suggestions a few days ago. Now if we can just mix in a dead hooker somewhere we'll be cooking with gas, baby.


Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing, #6

XXX: State of the Union

starring Ice Cube, Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson, Willem Dafoe

directed by... um... well, it says "Lee Tamahori", but come on, that's the fakest name I've ever heard.

This is a strange week for the MIHNIoS series as it is the first weekend that includes a film I have every intention of seeing, The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy. Of course the gulf between execution and realization--especially for films like this, for which Mrs. Pops' enthusiasm is somewhat... inferior to mine--is as wide and intimidating as the gulf between my eyeballs and any film project remotely associated with Vin Diesel.

I know, I know, Vin isn't in this one, but this is a sequel to a Vin Diesel movie. Strike one, strike two.

But the previews have lots of explosions and (one assumes) dead bodies, obscene language especially (since it's Cube) lots of people getting called "bitch".

The print ad for this film screams THE BEST ACTION FILM OF THE YEAR! So says Paul Fischer, Dark Horizons.

Dark Horizons. I'm not even interested enough to Google it and figure out what the fuck a "Dark Horizons" is. It sounds like some kind of vampire eroti-horror genre fanzine. I'm afraid I might accidentally be subjected to pictures of Goth people kissing. That and I can't afford to set off my eyeliner-phobia. Safer to keep my distance.

So strike three, yes?

The syndicated national review of this film carried in my local paper is by Roger Moore of the Orlando Sentinel. First of all, I'd like to say how happy I am to see James Bond has not only retired someplace sunny and warm but also found gainful employment.

Second, in his review on the next page, he savages Hitchhiker, so I've decided this person is a bastard who hates fun. I don't care if he did nail Grace Jones and save the world from Chris Walken, I'm not listening.

Speaking of Chris Walken, this film has Willem Dafoe as the villain. Walken, Dafoe and Tommy Lee Jones seem to have the Bad Guy corner of the action/adventure movie market all locked up between them. They're all great actors, but I see their names in pap like this and it's even more of a turn-off. There's only so much hammy sneering I can handle.

In the sidebar "Other Reviews" section, Roger Ebert's review is excerpted in which he recommends this film. I've mentioned this before, but in order for Ebert to reject a film these days he has to be shamed into it by that prick Richard Roeper on television. Or star Jamie Kennedy. He's not that far gone yet.

Mostly Ebert is all jazzed by the fact that this is an action film starring a black man. O finally, finally, sweet and merciful God!

It's like he never heard of DMX.

All I have to say to that is, dude, Passenger 57 was like 13 years ago already. We're all over it. Plus that film had the best action-film cheeseball line ever ("Always bet on black!"), a moment of sublime transcendence I doubt XXX ever approaches.

All this would probably lead you to believe that this film would get a ZERO on the Hot Babysitter scale. You would be wrong.

Did I mention it has explosions? Plus they jump a suspension bridge with a boat. Awesome.

Past that, it stars Ice Cube, straight outta Compton. That wins him some credit for being from California. And I don't care what you think about NWA or Barbershop you can't deny Cube was the bomb in Trespass, yo.

Being 100% honest, even if all that weren't true, no film starring Sam Jackson (however briefly) could ever get a ZERO.

All that considered:

Image hosted by One (out of 3) on the Hot Babysitter Scale.




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