Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Shout Out To My Homeboy, Pope B-1-6
Christian symbology has never really been that complicated. The lamb, white and young, represents innocence, making the perfect candidate for bloody sacrifice. Jesus and His stigmata, the the never-closing wounds He bears, represent what happens when someone drive nails through you hands and feet.

Like I said, uncomplicated.

The Holy Spirit, the unheralded herald of God's will, the theologically coequal yet practically underappreciated step-brother in the Holy Trinity, is usually represented by a dove. A stinkin' bird. God is the Whole Entire Universe, Jesus is the face of all Christian merchandising and the Holy Spirit--supposedly one and the same with the other two--gets to be a bird.

A dove even. At least they used to be used to open Olympic games, but even that dignity's been taken away in favor of pigeons these days. Doves meanwhile have been relegated to near-suffocation up magician's sleeves only to be mercilessly yanked out to tepid applause in America's worst night clubs.

Not a flattering representation. If I were the Holy Spirit, I'd always be in a poxing and smiting type of mood.

This morning I sat down to write my blog post. I had it all worked out. I was going to write a screamingly funny--yet blisteringly satiric--piece about how the 24 hour cable news channels were covering the closed-door papal conclave. See, there's no information going in or out and yet they still would dedicate hours and hours to coverage and...

Well, I guess you had to be there. It was going to be something.

I went over to MSNBC.com to find me a picture of a non-smoking Sistine Chapel chimney to visually symbolize the tone and tenor of the coverage ("...still nothing happening...") when across the top, the banner headline panted at me: SMOKE FROM SISTINE CHAPEL, COLOR UNDETERMINED!

So I sat down and turned on the TV in order to gather some ammunition. It was clearly too early for the election to be over, I wanted to watch the "Is it... it looks kind of white to me I guess, ha ha... I don't... is it black?... no, it's kind of a grayish..." chatter and make fun of the weekday daytime anchors.

And then the bells were ringing in St. Peter's square and the smoke was definitely white.

Ooh, it's the German dude and we all have to update our household Walls of Fame. In mine, the current pope's picture is after John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., Donald Trump, Drew Carey and tennis star/transsexual Dr. Renee Richards.

You know, they say there's no politicking within the conclave. You know how they're supposed to determine who to vote for? They're supposed to wait for inspiration from the Holy Spirit.

That bird stole my blogpost.

And it elected itself a new Pope.

The Holy Spirit is reasserting itself in a big way. Start hording canned goods. Immediately.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.5



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