Wednesday, May 11, 2005
House Of Horrors
So much for my self-imposed rules. According to the volume of comments left, I'd say the public has spoken, the verdict being We Loves Poetry.

I'm not going to take a lot of time to analyze the quality of the responses in any kind of depth. Anyone who is a regular reader of this blog knows "content" as a priority for me ranks well below attention-generation. If I were to waste a bunch of time thinking about it I might come to the conclusion that nearly half the 30+ comments from yesterday's post were written by me and the ones that weren't fell along the lines of "Wow, I hate this, please stop." But thinking about that makes me sad and I've already taken the maximum number of Oxy-Contin my body can tolerate this morning. I simply can't swallow any more pain for the next 4-6 hours.

Let's talk about something happier, like bloody multiple murders involving shooting children while they sleep.

Exposure to the Bucket has made several of you aware of Riverside County. For that I'm not sure if I should congratulate myself or apologize. Actually whether I should apologize or not is potentially blogpost content for the future, so I'm going to put a pin in that and set it aside for now. Just think: YOU could be the recipient of a magical wellspring of contrition on a similar scale to yesterday's post! Is it too early to say "you're welcome"?

Several of you no doubt noticed yesterday's news that some guy walked through his house and murdered his entire family and then shot himself. All of the news outlets identified the place this took place as "Riverside County". The brain-wave control machine owned by the powerful secret cabal that runs the Greater Riverside County Board of Tourism and Chambers of Commerce has been activated and it commands me to spring to the defense of my community. I really would prefer to watch Jerry Springer and eat Cheetos, but what can you do? It's a brain-wave control machine operated by a powerful secret cabal.

First of all, I'd like to direct all of you to the helpful Riverside County map included in my post from a few weeks ago. This so-called community of so-called "Garner Valley" clearly falls inside the large area between I-215 and the Arizona border labeled "Tortoises". At the moment I'm at a loss as to the tortoises' involvement in this tragedy, but I assure you someone will get to the bottom of it. Right now I'm leaning more in the direction of talking-tortoise-told-crazy-bastard-to-do-it rather than the invasion-of-armed-tortoises. It's not that I'd put it past the tortoises to do people harm, but this crime was committed with a pistol. From what I understand of your typical desert tortoise, it likes its carnage of a more up-close-and-personal that you can't get from a gun. Also: no fingers.

Look, despite my relative proximity to the crimes, I have no particular insight into this thing. That's one of the things my wife likes about me, I think: no particular empathy or compatibility of thought with fucked-up family-murderers. Sometimes bad shit just happens and since we live in America, it usually happens with guns. Not always, but usually. We just got finished out here with a 20-year-old case where an escaped felon killed an entire family while they slept--including a neighbor boy over that night for a sleep over--except for one son who survived being shot several times and lay there, left for dead, unable to move, staring at his murdered mother for 11 hours until he was found. Then there was the case where a son killed his mother and then, in a panic to cover it up, cut off her head and hands because he'd seen it done to Ralphie on The Sopranos. And the guy who kidnapped, raped and killed a 5-year-old Orange County girl and dumped her body on this side of the county line...

Hang on, incoming transmission from the brain-wave control machine. I'm supposed to say our housing is relatively affordable and we're half way between the beaches and the mountains. And... what's that? Smog makes lovely sunsets? No, I'm not saying that. That's just stupid.

I guess what I'm saying is don't think ill of us out here just because we seem to have a little over our allotment of crazy homicidal fuckers. Crazy shit happens all over the country and the world all the time, every day. I mean, right now in West Virginia they're setting up a West Virginia Celebrity Walk of Fame. Don Knotts is set to be the first recipient. What's more fucked up than that?

The point is this: Come to Riverside County. Your kids probably will survive. And at least we're not West Vir-fucking-ginia.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 6.0



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