Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I Love Bush
Phew! Looks like we all (sort of almost literally) dodged a bullet. Turns out that grenade that was thrown at President Bush while visiting Georgia (Tblisi, not Atlanta... focus, people) was an actual grenade, not some kind of prop or toy. It landed within 100 feet of the president, knocked down by the back of some audience member's completely unwitting but (as it turns out) very brave and selfless head. The back of that woman's head has done an incalculable service to the cause of worldwide liberty. If I were President Bush, I'd pin a medal to it.

With the exception of a possible minor concussion, I'm very happy to say that no one was hurt in the grenade-throwing incident. I'm glad the commander-in-chief was spared physical injury as I wish him no personal harm of any kind whatsoever (hello to my blog-aware friends in the Secret Service!). Further I'm relieved that he wasn't killed while in office because if he were, can you imagine the outpouring of garment-rending and tooth-gnashing by the Redneck Faithful if their Beloved Leader were to be taken from them, especially by a dirty, dirty foreigner? Not that you would be able to tell as most of their garments come pre-rent (and even rented, for that matter) and on the whole I think one would need multiple teeth in order to gnash them properly. But I think you get my point.

Look what happened to Kennedy. He was president for just under three years and what did he accomplish, really? Bay of Pigs, Veitnam and Marilyn Monroe. Then just because he was cut down by a shady cabal of Cubans, Mobsters, Jews, Republicans, Johnson Democrats, oil tycoons, Protestants, Tommy Lee Jones and Larry Hagman he gets his head (pre... um... incident) on the half-dollar coin. As impressive as banging Marilyn Monroe is, I just don't know that it warrants that kind of recognition.

If we were to lose Bush, oh lordy save us. If you think this business with naming everything after Reagan was bad... every airport, bridge, tunnel, freeway, park, fountain, national forest, navy ship, government office building, street, city, military base and every single public school (and not a few private ones either, I shouldn't wonder) would be under threat of having a big fat W slapped on it. You saw it already this past election when they did it to ketchup. Poor innocent ketchup, never did anything to anyone and got W-ized. I'm not so sure that wasn't a Karl Rove product-roll-out test run. You know, just in case.

And if you thought the coverage surrounding the Pope's death was bad, I'm sure we'd end up with at least one Fox Channel off-shot station completely and entirely dedicated to GW Bush hagiography 24/7 (presented by Taco Bell).

The National Mall in DC would earn itself another giant white marble monstrosity, that's for sure. Maybe they could just dig a really deep hole and put a giant dollar sign at the bottom of it. Nah, too on-the-nose. And not enough deification.

I think under those tragic circumstances, even Mt. Rushmore wouldn't be safe. Someone would have to go. Washington and Lincoln are safe, but I can see the national reality show where people are invited to call in (or text message!) to vote to save either Teddy Roosevelt or Thomas Jefferson. Well, Roosevelt did establish the national parks system, but Jefferson, hoo-boy, he did that Declaration of Independence thing. But he was banging his slaves. And TR actually fought in a war, so that's something... it would be tough, but I trust Ryan Seacrest to keep it all straight for us when his nation calls on him.

Actually now that I think of it, Rushmore wouldn't be appropriate. GWB would need his own granite mountain somewhere, Mt. W. If it's sacred to some pre-casino Indian tribe somewhere, all the better. Maybe the work trucks can render a species or two extinct--nothing major, just a rare butterfly or maybe some subspecies of vole. And then they could strike oil right under the giant rock so when the enormous bust is finished a geyser of sweet crude would come shooting out its nose at semi-regular intervals. Yeah. Yeah, that would be awesome.

So besides the general safety and well-being of our president (which I pray for daily), there are all these reasons we should be grateful that the grenades in former Soviet republics work just as well as everything else related to the military over there: not at all. Sadly this includes the safe-guarding of nuclear weapons and materials, but that's a panic attack for a different day.

I want George Bush to live a long life, to retire to Crawford, forced to spend the rest of his days in Podunk, Texas, ridiculed, derided and eventually forgotten.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 3.2


[Secret Service Disclaimer: Anything that might be construed as threatening in this post should be understood as satire. I certainly and categorically wish the president no harm of any kind. Just so you know. Any midnight home-invasion, kidnapping and digital rectal exam would tell you the same thing, I swear.]


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