Thursday, May 05, 2005
Land Of Make Believe That Don't Believe In Me
Buenos dias, tout le monde!

Let us all bow our heads and remember the brave men who fought and died on a battlefield near Puebla, Mexico, proud native Mexicans versus the capitalist running-dog forces of imperialist France who was bent on exerting colonial hegemony and inspiring lots of tiresome intellectual discourse amongst boring historians in the coming centuries.

But the intrepid Mexicans, armed only with coconuts and iguanas, outnumbered by a ratio of 7,000:1, destroyed the evil French army by surprising them at lunch. Amid the horror of scattered picnic baskets, foie gras and brie trampled into the mud and blood of the battlefield, the French were herded back onto their ships and shoved off to sea.

That was May 5th, 1862, a day long remembered in this part of the world, where Mexicans fought and died so that white people in California could drink tequila on a work day once per year.

And if that weren't enough of a flimsy excuse to be drunk by 10 am, today is also the 50th anniversary of Disneyland. Back in 1955 Walt Disney, a wandering transient at the time, found a way at last to realize his lifelong dream--to adequately mark the 93rd anniversary of the Battle of Puebla--by opening his theme park to the public on this date.

I don't know how many drunks you have to roll for loose change in order to start up a theme park, but Walt did it and just in time. Luckily for us in southern California he chose Anaheim as the site to realize his dream (one assumes the train he was living on broke down nearby), transforming a sleepy backwater community from this:
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To this:
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...practically over night.

Within 10 years the Angels were playing at a new stadium just down Katella Ave., the LA Rams moved in a few years later. Businesses and people flooded in over the next several decades, building a cultural identity in Orange County entirely separate from Los Angeles in the north, all aimed at creating an entire population whose primary reason for existence in 2005 is to make fun of me because I live in Riverside, sans theme park and with an average annual income of less than $6,000,000. Fuckers.

Thanks a heap, Uncle Walt.

Even past that momentous occasion, today just happens to be National Prayer Day. I don't know about the rest of the country, but I can guarantee that a significant portion of the population down here in SoCal will be on their knees tonight invoking God's name. Their hands will be gripping the seat and their faces will be half-way into the bowl, watching their enchiladas happen in reverse, screaming between heaves "Jesus, Jesus, make it stop, I swear I'll never drink again". These are all things you should have thought of before you stole California from Mexico, gringo. "Yeah yeah, swallow the worm. It's good luck." Dumbass.

Man, I don't even have time to get into the fact that it's election day in the UK. Sorry, I know this has become your go-to place for UK election coverage. I feel I've let you down horribly.

On top of everything else, yesterday the Golden paid $5,001 for Britney Spears' pregnancy test. The ramifications are huge for the whole Stuff Stained With Celebrity Bodily Excretions memorobilia market. I still have that handkerchief I haven't washed since that time I lent it to Martin Landau. I'm not saying what he used it for, but I bet I could get $25 for it.

I'm covering a lot very quickly, but it can't be helped. My wife is taking tomorrow off and we're supposed to be making a journey to Disneyland (or as we call it in the 'hood, "tha Dizzle-nizzle") in honor of my youngest's 2nd birthday. The point is I probably won't be able to post tomorrow, so you get it all at once. The bad news is this means no installment of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing, which is a shame because I have like 2,500 words of Orlando Bloom material all laid out and ready to go.

The trip could be called off, however. It's supposed to rain today and tomorrow, so who knows. Maybe you'll get lucky and the skies will open up. Or maybe tonight I'll swallow the worm and I won't be able to move in the morning. You could always pray.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.7



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