Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Wagons North!
The problem I have with praying is that most people do it wrong. The best thing about being Catholic is that you acknowledge God, but you don't expect shit from Him, at least not immediately. Down the road you expect a condo in one of the nicer neighborhoods in Heaven (close to the Starbucks and not too far from Muslim Paradise with all the hot virgins), but other than that you sort of accept the fact that we're stuck with this damned "free will" crap, which is a fancy theological way of saying we're on our own.

But sometimes, man, you just wish you were a fundamentalist so maybe--just maybe--you could call in a solid Jesus owes you for that time you burned all your devil music CDs and replaced them all with Debbie Boone and Marie Osmond.

Sadly for me I know it doesn't work that way. I know that no matter how I pray, the heavens will never part and the hand of God will never reach down and smite the self-proclaimed Minutemen. He wouldn't even need to smite them per se, just a collective case of genital herpes or really itchy scalp eczema would be fine.

Not satisfied with straightening out the whole border situation with Mexico after one month of work, the "Minutemen" are talking now about expanding their idiot project to the Canadian border as well.

Cynics might claim this is an obvious PR move in order to blunt the charge of racism against them. Or further, it might be claimed that they wouldn't be interested in stopping educated English speaking white people from crossing who generally would do so in a vehicle on a road or in a port with a checkpoint staffed by actual immigration officials but rather might possibly be targeting those who are using Canada to get to America from third country, one with lots more sunshine and an abundance of skin pigmentation.

If I were Canada, I'd be pissed off. Not at the "Minutemen" but at the evil foreigners who say all the right things to gain access to your country, drink Molson, pretend to like hockey and then at the first opportunity zing! They're off south, headed for places with average annual snowfall you don't have to measure in fathoms.

I guess I should give the "Minutemen" the benefit of the doubt, but it's not going to be easy. If they show up in Detroit in June and spend 30 days with their stupid binoculars looking at Lake Erie, I'll know they're full of shit. And that's saying something because I've been to Detroit in June and it's no picnic.

But if they show up in their jeeps, their chubby little accountant hands frozen to the steering wheel as they slowly patrol the wide-open spaces of the North Dakota-Saskatchewan border in December and January, then maybe I'll start to take them seriously.

So for the time being I'll keep my prayers to myself. Not that it would matter anyway, as from what I understand God is spending most of his time now speaking through Pat Robertson. That or figuring out the best and most spectacularly painful way to wipe him off the face of the earth. Either way, He's busy.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 4.1



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