Sunday, June 26, 2005
Don't Call It A Comeback; I Been Here For Years
Rockin' my peers and puttin' suckas in fear, makin' the tears rain down like a monsoon... Listen to the bass go BOOM!

That's right, I posted song lyrics. Fuck the rules, I'm back, my sweet bitches. Everyone should download that LL Cool J old-school jam right now using their favorite mp3 download portal and then play it in the background when reading this. Not because it will be appropriate or in any way illuminating in conjunction with my blogpost, but just so there's something happening while you're reading. I'm trying to distract you so I can relieve some of the pressure. Coming back is hard. Expectation is a motherfucker.

As for intro music, it was down to the above from "Mama Said Knock You Out" or the following: "I bought a ticket to the world, but now I’ve come back again. Why do I find it hard to write the next line when I want the truth to be said?" It seemed so appropriate, but then I thought about it for a little bit and realized that Spandau Ballet is too pussy, even for me.

Just so everyone knows, the Dick Cheney Undisclosed Location Experience was a total fucking rip-off. Dick Cheney only showed up one time and that was via "teleconference" from a totally different undisclosed location, but I could tell it was pre-recorded. He was clearly wearing a "Go Bo!" pin.

I guess I should have known. It was just like that time I paid $1,800 for the Todd Bridges Reality Tour back in '87. Not only did I not get to bang Dana Plato, but the souvenir crack I got turned out to be some irregular-shaped rock salt. Yeah, we did get chased by a cop and I did get to smack a real live hooker, but I think the only positive life experience I can honestly say I took away from that debacle is that you should never smoke rock salt.

This Dick Cheney thing, I just don't know what I was thinking. Yeah, the two days in the duck blind with the Antonin Scalia look-alike was pretty good, but that's only because the guy playing Scalia turned out to be so cool. He didn't really look that much like Justice Scalia (mostly because of the red hair, I think), but his impersonation was dead-on. He was all "strict construction" this and "limit the power of the federal government" that... really really high-quality stuff. Just what I imagine Scalia probably might sound like. It was uncanny.

Past that... eh. Nothing worth mentioning in detail. Invade something, browbeat entire government departments into submission, usurp executive responsibility, bathe in the blood of a Peruvian virgin commingled with sweet fresh crude... all pretty predictable and cliché really.

While I was gone, though, Sitemeter tells me that while my readership has dropped slightly on a day to day basis, it hasn't disappeared completely. Considering I have had zero new content in over a week, I'd say that's pretty fucking scary. What the hell is the matter with you people? I told you I would be gone, didn't I? I'm trying to be flattered and abashed, I really am, but Jesus. There's a whole world out there not displayed on a [insert size of your monitor in inches here] inch computer screen. Go live in it. My God.

That said, I'm off to read every word of every blog linked over to the right that was posted during my absence. Let's hope that holds the demons at bay, especially once the sodium pentothal wears off. Say what you want about the people at the Dick Cheney Undisclosed Location Experience, at least they were thorough.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.998


PS-I love you all and missed you all dearly, I really did. If you tell anyone I said that, I will deny it and then track down and murder your pet(s). Do not try me on this.

PPS-I will never, ever get "True" out of my head. I blame you personally.

PPPS and UPDATE-I leave for a week and someone screws up Blogger's post formatting? Is it just me or does it refuse to post this right up under my post title, pushing the whole thing below my fabulous sidebar? I hate technology.


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