Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Hey... Shock Jock!
When I turn on my FM station in the morning, I expect some very specific things from my Morning Radio team of zanies. I spend a grand total of about 20 minutes in the car, so I'm on a strict entertainment schedule. What I need from them are some mocking interviews with UFO enthusiasts, a few crappy impressions, awkward moments in the van with my kindergarten-and-younger kids when the conversation turns (as it always does) to graphically inappropriate discussions of bodily functions or sex acts, all interspersed with and emphasized by a host of 2-second audio clips and wacky, wacky sound effects.

I'm generally happy with their performance thus far. They've been providing me with this service for about fifteen years with admirable consistency, if not quality. I mean, one of them is a grown man who allows himself to be referred to as "Bean". That should tell us all we need to know. Also a plus: neither of them is Howard Stern.

What I don't need from them--what I really really don't need--is to have that precious 20 minutes of my time filled with concerned talk about the State of the Union Between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Sure, I agree, it's kind of funny that there's a website out there called Free Katie.net, but come on. I got all the way to my kid's school and back without one single utterance of the word "dick".

This was not part of the deal. The deal is that I invest my time and energy (OK, maybe "energy" is the wrong word) listening to your show and in exchange you indirectly contribute to the corruption of my children so I don't have to take all the blame when my son gets busted for explaining to his friends on the playground what a hand-job is.

After this morning, what do my kids know? That Katie Holmes is starting to study Scientology? That gets me off the hook for almost nothing. My kid goes to Catholic school, so if anything that'll earn me a call from the principal at best. At worst: exorcism. We take the threat of Scientology very seriously.

I know, you're thinking "So Pops, just change the fucking station, you goddamn motherfucking bitch-ass whining baby." First of all, that kind of language is completely uncalled for. Secondly, you have no idea of the desolation that is the greater Los Angeles-area market morning radio. Let me put it this way: one of the other choices on the dial in morning drive time is Danny Bonaduce. Enough said? Yes, I think enough said.

I'm so bitterly disappointed. I mean, they're talking about Tom and Katie and I had to hear the story about the the bra that magically increases women's breast size from a goddamn sports talk station. It's dereliction of duty plain and simple. I'm considering a class-action suit. Let me know if you all want in on this action.


Since I've lowered myself to celebrity gossip today, I'd like to offer you two quotes from Brad Pitt, neither of which feature his dick (see yesterday's post if you're still interested in that old thing). Please note the dates.

"You shouldn't speak until you know what you're talking about. That's why I get uncomfortable with interviews. Reporters ask me what I feel China should do about Tibet. Who cares what I think China should do? I'm a f---ing actor! They hand me a script. I act. I'm here for entertainment, basically, when you whittle everything away. I'm a grown man who puts on makeup." - Time, October 13, 1997

"We have the potential to end poverty (in Africa) in our time. ... Man — I mean, what is more exciting than that? The potential's there. We gotta go for it." - Primetime Live, June 7, 2005

Man indeed, Brad. Man indeed.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.2



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