Sunday, June 12, 2005
If This Keeps Up, I'll Be Back To Huffing Industrial Glue In No Time
I had something planned to write tonight, I really really did. I imagine it was going to be lovely and easy to read and chock full of life-affirming information, just as you've come to expect from your ole pal Pops and his magical, magical Bucket.

But I can't fucking remember what it was that I was going to say because I'm having a pain in the balls time with the goddamn machine with which I had expected to say it.

The damned thing works, but it is suddenly no longer on speaking terms with my video card. And yet somehow I am still receiving pretty, pretty pictures on my desktop and basic functions, but I can't play any fancy-graphic-ed computer games.

I've tried everything I know how to do to fix it. This involves uninstalling and then reinstalling the video card. Then I tried swearing a lot (a lot, people), pulling at my hair, throwing things, yelling at my kids and punching the neighbor's dog. I realize I'm using some sophisticated technological jargon here, but suffice it to say nothing worked.

Since the only thing that has changed in my PCs performance is the fact that I can no longer play games and my scrolling speed on Internet Explorer has become all choppy and suuuuper slow (a feature that figures heavily into my blog-reading enjoyment), I can think of only two sensible reasons why this is happening to me: 1) I am the victim of a voodoo curse. I'd speculate who might have hexed me, but as we all know from watching NYPD Blue, you start with everyone who might have a motive. Knowing my family and my fanbase as I do, we might as well flip open a phone book and point to a random name. Which leads us to 2) Jesus.

That's right, Jesus is finally out to get me, personally. Just because we stopped going to church this month while Sunday school is on hiatus between sessions, I'm being punished. All those years and months of steady attendance at real Catholic churches apparently don't count for shit in Our Heavenly Savior's Naughty & Nice List. You try to spare yourself a little agony by avoiding attending Mass with three squirming, screaming devil spawn and suddenly you can't play video games or read a decent blog--some of which, I might remind You, are all about the JC--in the scant few hours you might have to yourself.

Say what you want about Jesus, he really knows how to hurt a brother. Give me a plague of boils on my skin, a cloud of locusts carrying away my dog, mononucleosis, impotence, anything but this, this is just... well, it's cruel. Deflate a man's junk if you want, but you don't fuck with his downtime, Jesus. This is clearly out of bounds.

But I bear little hope that the Wrath of God will abate any time soon. Being a good Catholic, as much as I might bitch, I know deep down that I deserve it, all of it and more.

That won't stop me from appealing to you infidels for help. I've got an e-mail out to the manufacturer of my video card to ask, in so many words, "What the fuck, bitches?" I retrospect I might have been better off wording it a little differently. I don't have much hope for an answer.

I've got a GeForce 6600 GT PCI Express card. My Device Manager recognizes it, but under Device Status it says "This device cannot start. (Code 10)". The fix for this listed online doesn't help. Reinstalling the drivers (in several forms from several sources) doesn't help. Driving office staples into your skull doesn't help at all.

Please, somebody, for the love of... well, just please. We can keep it on the DL. Who knows Who might be listening.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.997



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