Friday, July 01, 2005
Just so everyone knows, I read all the responses to my post yesterday concerning my sudden illness. Please note that before I say this, I realize there are some exceptions, but as a general point to the group, I'd like to say: fuck you all.

Revel in my pain and agony, will you? If I thought I could make it more than 20 feet without passing out I'd hunt each and everyone one of you down and... and... ooh, sleepy. What was I saying?

As I am on my third paragraph, it's obvious to see that I'm feeling a little bit better. Once the unregulated flow of digested and semi-digested liquids out of my body stopped, it's been road-to-recovery.

Since I posted about Christian Science and all the Cruise-related Scientology, I decided that I would try some non-traditional approaches to wellness. I tried praying, really really hard and loaded up on some kick-ass multivitamins. I still had the flu, but wouldn't you know it, my post-partum depression cleared up.

I couldn't find any leeches, so I built an Indian sweat lodge in my back yard. You know, to draw the virus/toxins/bad humors/demons out. I recommend this approach. I poured the water on the hot stones and laid back. In my fever dream, I followed my animal spirit guide* through a thousand years of human history, through every aspect of thought and action, collected and laid out like a mosaic before me, from a height and persepective of detachment that maybe a scant handful of people throughout all of existence have had access to. And as I reached out to touch it, to seize it, to draw it to me for the great benefit of all my Bucketeers... that's when the paramedics revived me. Meddling bastards, all of them. Turns out a body temperature of 140-degrees is slightly unhealthy. My wife called them; she's always been hostile to holistics. She had the same overreaction that time I tried self-acupuncture with metal kebab skewers.

Anyways. It looks like I'm going to live. The doctor says the brain-damage is non-negotiable, but luckily for us all, blogposting takes next to zero brain activity. Don't believe me? Just type in "Tom Cruise" in the blog search engine of your choice. You'll see what I mean.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.9


*=some American Indian traditions believe everyone has a spirit guide that exists in the shape of an animal to show them some kind of greater or personal truth while in the spirit world of dreams. Of course this is usually while all fucked up on peyote. Everyone's spirit guide is different, unique to the needs and aspects of your personality. Mine's a platypus.


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