Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I'm Happy Tonight To Announce My Nominee, George "The Animal" Steele
I've said it before and I'll say it again: thank Jesus for George Bush. After a long string of Supreme Court appointments just given away to black guys, chicks and Jews, he has restored the dignity of that august body by returning 1/9 of it--which had for 20+ years now been occupied by the First-Wave Shock Trooper Of The Gynocracy, Sandra Day O'Connor--into the safe, benevolent hands of a white Protestant dude.

This is it now. This is what we've all been waiting for. During the brouhaha about filibuster and the "nuclear option", the conventional wisdom in the media was "thank God this is about lower-court judges because if/when it's about the Supreme Court, we'll be looking at World War III."

Yeah, I know the media exaggerate, but holy crap, this seems like it should be fun. Democrats, of course, jumped right in with both feet to respond to the nomination. I'm so giddy I'm actually shaking as I'm typing this. It's is on, people. It is so on.

Let's review some of the blood-curdling responses as the sides gird their loins for a long, protracted battle.

Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war, bitches!

Harry Reid (D-NV), Senate Minority Leader:
"The president has chose someone with suitable legal credentials, but that is not the end of our inquiry. [Aw yeah, here it comes...] The Senate must review Judge Roberts' record to determine if he has a demonstrated commitment to the core American values of freedom, equality and fairness [That's right Harry, cut the motherfucker!]... I hope that he does, and I look forward to giving him the opportunity to make his case to the American people."

Wait, huh? Is it just me or was that last part a little conciliatory-sounding?

Barbara Boxer (D-Funkytown)
"Without prejudging the nominee [What the fuck is this shit? Steady now, Boxer...] , I do believe Judge Roberts' record raises questions about his commitment to the right to privacy, protection of the environment and other important issues."

Phew. There she is. That's my girl. She even used the abortion code-words "right to privacy", which was nice. Now we're headed in the right direction.

More! More!

Ted Kennedy (D-Taxachusetts)
"What all Americans deserve to know is whether Judge Roberts respects the core values of the Constitution and falls within the conservative mainstream of America, along the lines of Justice Sandra Day O'Connor... I will not decide whether to support or oppose him based on any single issue."

OK, what the fuck, Ted? The words you are looking for are "out of touch" and "dangerous" and "tool of the religious right" and "assault on basic American freedoms". Can't somebody circulate some better talking points? At this rate, nobody is going to be compared to a Nazi at any point in the proceedings. I can't take much more measured, circumspect caution.

Let's go to the clean-up hitter. Someone who won't let us down. Someone with their eye on 2008 who needs this to establish their bona fides as a true conservative-crusher for the benefit of primary voters three years hence.

Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N to tha Y to tha C)
"I look forward to the committee's findings so that I can make an informed decision..."

You know what, just stop. Just... don't. You fucking people are killing me. Killing me. I was told this was going to be Armageddon and all I'm getting is "informed decision" and "no prejudging". Is this any way to run an hysterical, hyper-partisan, self-paralyzing government? What the hell am I paying for basic cable and it's several all-day news channels for if I can't count on my elected representatives to be intractable idealogical demagogues on the biggest issues of the day? I mean come on, this is a Supreme Court nominee. Didn't I mention he was a WASP? White guy taking a chick's job? Anybody? Hello?

Do you think that in the run up before the actual Armageddon the people on the Jesus side are going to say "You know, I don't want to pre-judge this Anti-Christ person. He seems very genuine and personable on television. I look forward to sitting down with him and getting a better feel of who he is as a person... ish-type-being"? No. My senators need to get themselves some serious lack of perspective, and quickly. I need some blind ideological knee-jerking and I need it STAT.

I'm already disappointed. I was led to believe that I would see blood spilled on the Senate floor--not that namby-pamby metaphorical blood either, I mean the actual liquid essence of human life, all slippery and red, oozing over the pretty blue carpet. They aren't selling this very well and I'd like to remind them that it's not too late for me to get my pay-per-view money back. Get Don King. Get Donald Trump. Get somebody who knows how to not only sell this thing, but how to deliver. If Bill Frist doesn't at some point punch Barbara Mikulski in the face, I'm suing. I don't know who yet, but expect to hear from my lawyers.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 3.7


UPDATE: Brent dared me. I can't pass up a dare. Here it is:
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I couldn't find one with a good shot of the green tongue. You'll just have to use your imaginations.


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