Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Baby Boom
Ha! We're on to you, Abdul! Read the headline and weep, Habib!

Terror screening trips up infants

Everyone say it with me: U-S-A! U-S-A! Well, everyone except probably "Abdul" and "Habib". Unless you're reading this and you happen to be an American born of Arab descent and your parents named you Abdul or Habib, then you're cool. We know you'll grow up to marry white girls and have kids named "Ryder" and "Jessalyn". But to the other "Abdul" and "Habib", the crass generalizations of America-hating foreign-born terrorist Arabs that I was thinking of, to you I say no! I disinvite you specifically from joining in our patriotic chant. I chastise you in public, Hypothetical Future Terrorist. Feel the sting, motherfuckers.

I knew you sneaky devils could be devious, but I didn't think you'd stoop so low as to involve American babies in your plot to destroy our country and the freedom which you hate. But God damn, did you underestimate American ingenuity, the imagination of our law-enforcement and the kick-ass job being done every day by the brave men and women of the Transportation Security Administration. Yeah, at the airport they look like bored, surly, barely-literate wage-slaves, but the jokes on you, Ali!* The men and women at the TSA are Americans (for the most part). That means that even the most incompetent, ill-tempered and underpaid among us are enough to foil your most advanced plotting and scheming.

Honestly, trying to use babies to smuggle bombs on to planes. We were right about you all along. Is there no bottom to the bottomless depths of your depravity? I would say no considering that it is, in fact, bottomless, as I said before in the last sentence.

What really makes me sick is that I know when some people in this country read the above story about babies being denied access to airplanes because their names are "similar" to those on anti-terrorist no-fly lists, their poor, wounded naive hearts will just bleed all over the place. These are the pinheaded ACLU Ivory Tower types who use any excuse to bash and defame the country that gave them everything they have. I know it, they're out there right now going "Oh, how stupid the stupid people are not using basic common sense to make obvious decisions on a case-by-case basis". These are the kinds of people who, I think, would love nothing more than to be incinerated by a terrorist bomb while flying on an commercial flight. They must want that. That's the only thing that baby-terrorist coddling can get you. That's the only thing I can think of that makes any sense.

What those people don't understand is that these foreigner terrorist-types can and will do anything to hurt America, motivated by our freedoms for which they hate us. They get these kids from birth (maybe even before) and train them in nothing but freedom-hating and bomb making and Allah-worshipping in their evil terrorist-child-training schools (called hadassahs). So you see, baby-terrorists are not as ridiculous as they might at first sound. The fact that the kids being stopped at airports are mostly American kids, well, that's on their parents. If they would have given them some more American-sounding names (like "Kayden" or "Coopersmith"), they wouldn't be having this problem, now would they? A little inconvenience at the airport? Tough. Freedom isn't free.

We need to keep our eyes on the prize, people. It's us against them. We should all be uniters, not dividers. Above all, we should try to remember what it is we're fighting for.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 1.0


*= again, this assumes a foreign terrorist named "Ali" and not an American Arab or, say, a girl named "Alison" who shortens it to Ali. Although I think she should reconsider her nickname in these sensitive times and maybe go with "Ally". Like that nice young Ally Sheedy who does all those teenager movies.


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