Monday, August 15, 2005
A Demographic Of One
This afternoon, 5 pm, I'll be driving about 3/4 of a mile up the road to a nearby park. There my boys and I will set foot in uncharted territory. It's time for our first-ever soccer practice.

Me, I can't wait. Finally, I am about to become a member of the buzzword groups that get paid all sorts of unnecessary attention during election cycles because the media remembers it easily and has already paid to have the graphics made. I'm about to become a soccer dad.

Wait wait wait, hang on... that doesn't sound right. "Soccer dad"? No, that wasn't it, it was NASCAR dad. But fuck that, I hate NASCAR.

Why was I thinking "soccer dad"? Oh yeah, that's right, I'm thinking of 2000. But it wasn't soccer dad it was soccer moms.

So if I'm not a "NASCAR dad" and I'm not a "soccer mom", that means I'm... um...

Goddamn it.

What's a brutha have to do to get some politicians to kiss his ass? I'm a white middle class suburban male church-going Democrat who stays home with his kids. Statistically speaking, I don't even actually exist.

I guess I can take some solace in the fact that my son will begin today playing a sport that will bring him lots of joy and friendship and social skills; thus we will begin his introduction to soccer, a sport he will grow up playing only so that he will learn one day to not give a shit about it.

Because he's an American, dammit: we play soccer, but we watch baseball. Or basketball. Or football. Or NASCAR (the fuckers). Or poker. Or billiards. Or Strongman competitions. Or the Great Outdoor Games. Or hockey.

OK, maybe not hockey. But the rest of them, yes.

So I can't get my ass kissed by a politician. And nobody likes to watch soccer but me. Frustrating? Yes. But at least I know that while I'm on the sidelines watching my kid play AYSO this fall, I will have plenty of opportunities in a socially-acceptable setting to punch other irrational adults in the face. The frustration has to be worked out somehow. If any of those precious "soccer moms" from the other teams give me the least bit of shit, it is on.

I grew up with two sisters. I'll fight a girl.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.9



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