Monday, August 01, 2005
Monday Lite: Coming Soon
One of my regular Bucketeers in total sincerity with reference to yesterday's post asked about the progress of the movie about my life.

As luck would have it, like most Californians, I do have a draft of a screenplay in the works that is largely autobiographical. I didn't really want to write it, but it's something you have to do out here before they will let you get a driver's license. How else do you think Speed 2 got made?

I'm having a little trouble finishing it, though. The first act is rock solid, all about a plucky, sexually adventurous, sandy-haired, apple-cheeked manchild who grabs life by the balls and gives them an unapologetic yank. Birth. Hard-scrabble early days. Rising above his modest means. Lots of hot chicks. Total domination of every social environment right through college and graduate school. Marriage and kids. Pretty much verbatim from my life.

The third act is also awesome wherein the protagonist is revealed to be an agent of the US government's Top Top Top Secret Black Ops Unit used to combat communism terrorism the world over (I've been working on it for a while). He's such an unstoppable killing machine that the "unit" in fact consists of just him being dropped into hot spots around the globe (from a plane, with no parachute, that's what a badass this guy is) to fight swarms and swarms of ninjas terrorists wherever he can find them. It's called One Man's Unit. It's going to have to be a hard "R" rating for all the nudity and violence. In one scene, he beaheads a guy using the body of a dead naked woman as a weapon. Gruesome, but awesome.

The problem is the second act. I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to spice up the part where he has kids and sits around reading blogs. The best I could do is to show him playing a lot of Minesweeper, which is kind of exciting. You know, because of the bombs. And the math.

Ah well. It will work itself out. That's what script-doctors are for. Once I get this sucker green-lit, I can ditch my family and take up in shameful Hollywood post-morality fashion with a nubile young ingénue roughly half my age. I say "roughly" because I'm still young enough that thinking about girls "half my age" would make me Roman Polanski and there's no way I'm moving to France.

Love! Hardship! Murder! International intrigue! Explosions! Boobies! Minesweeper! Who wouldn't watch it?

For the part of Me, I have a short list narrowed down to Matt Damon, Steve Carell, Samuel L. Jackson and Ben "Cooter" Jones. They all have their strengths and weaknesses, but I'm leaning toward Carell. I hear he's got crazy, crazy amounts of body hair. I'm trying to keep the character as close to me as possible.

One Man's Unit. Coming At You As Soon As Humanly Possible. It's Going To Be HUGE!

I'm still working on the tagline.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.88



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