Friday, October 07, 2005
The Bleeding Heart Show
I hate America. I mean I really hate it. I think the best thing would be if we could invite some terrorists over here, evict some white people from their houses so they could have a place to live and work until they were ready to kill a bunch of us with newly developed chemical-bio-nuclear bombs. In the interim, I think we should hand the government over to a Ruling Triumvirate consisting of Ellen DeGeneres, Fidel Castro and some Mexican dude; that way all my three favorite groups (queers, commies and illegal aliens) will be running the day-to-day lives of every American. Then I can cheer as they finally round up all the Christians and put them in internment camps, as I've always secretly wanted, so that we can then implement our New America policy of Mandatory Abortions performed by doctors appointed by the UN and paid for with a massive tax increase.

And then the terrorists with the bombs can do their thing and we can start all over.

I am a Democrat. This is what we believe.

Don't get me started on drugs. I can't get enough. In my perfect vision of a future America, the government (remember: Gay Mexican Castro!) would distribute heroin by IV to every newborn. That way all other narcotics/barbiturates/analgesics/cough suppressants won't seem as bad when they grow older. The kids, already fucked up on H, will feel perfectly free to try marijuana or cocaine or meth because the path to chemical dependency will already have been blazed for them. This will lead to massive profits for overseas drug lords, something else I'm definitely in favor of.

We would also distribute condoms in school, which will lead to lots of teenage sex. I'm not sure exactly how handing out contraceptive devices would result in more unwanted teenage pregnancies, but since that's what I've been told would be the result, I'm for that too.

And if the kids can't figure the whole wanton sex thing, well, that's where Hollywood will come in. Every Hollywood studio head will automatically become a Cabinet-level post, so that we can better organize our message of constant commitment-free immediate-gratification sex, done with as much reckless, marriage-disdaining abandon as can be shown in two dimensions. All depictions should be as graphic as possible. We're already just a year or two away from a camera that can be affixed to the head of a penis show that we can show actual insertion (in the orifice of your choice) from a Winky-eye view.

This how-to program will allow us to develop an entire generation of fatherless children dependent upon government charity for their survival. Oh, and their heroin.

Movies not entirely dependent on gratuitous sex will be required to contain gratuitous violence. This violence can never be in the service of a cause like freedom or security or personal safety but must always be randomly committed by minorities against white people, unprovoked and to no obvious end.

This is necessary so that when crimes are committed in real life, especially by minorities, we can claim (rightly) that they were influenced by the movies and should therefore be allowed to go free with our best wishes for a better life.

Oh, and all the judges should be liberal Christ-hating Jews who make up random laws on the spot. That's the only way we're going to get the Evangelical Christian Internment Pogrom--sorry, Program--implemented with any kind fo speed.

Abolition of the states in favor of one central government, compulsory same-sex marriage, Wicca as the national religion, gun ownership only for those who can show plans to commit a crime, all animals listed as endangered so that we all must become strict vegans, all clothes and ropes made of hemp, outlawing the internal-combustion engine, complete disbanding of the military, criminalization of church-going, a reorganized pro-hurricane FEMA... these are all things we want. The program is long and complicated, but with just a little elbow grease and a complete disregard for our basic survival instincts both individually and as a people, I know we can make it happen.

It's time we stopped hiding behind "democracy" and just said it outright. They know what we're up to anyway. Sean Hannity talks about it every day on national TV. The jig is so completely up.

The time is now. This is it, people: this is what happens when there are no movies worth talking about on a Friday, but I still need a blogpost topic. You are welcome.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 1.8



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