Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Can You Hear, Can You Hear The Thunder?
Big news people. Big news. HUUUUGE news.

I'm moving to Australia!

There are still some details to work out. I haven't actually told my wife about it yet, though I assume she's coming with me. But I'm going. I just decided just now.

Anyone want to come along? Come on, it will be an adventure. We could be the Great American (or wherever you're from, although I don't think they like foreigners in Australia) Migration of 2005. Or 2006, depending on how long it takes to get there. I know we've got a little over 6 weeks before the year's over, but I hear Australia's far.

Let me tell you what happened.

I was sitting here looking at my Blogger New Post window. The little cursor was sitting there, mocking me with it's little blinky-ness, saying to me in Morse code: "You-are-going-to-fail-stop-you-have-nothing-to-write-about-stop-you-are-not-funny-and-you-should-stop-seriously-just-stop." I don't actually know Morse code, but I hear the words in my head when I watch the cursor sitting there not making words. The funny thing--ha ha!--is that sometimes I hear them even when I'm nowhere near my computer. Isn't that weird?

So I had nothing. No-thing. You people were thisclose to getting a post about driving my son to school this morning ("Stop signs... What's the deal with those things?").

Dutiful soldier that I am, I shot over to Technorati and checked the "Popular" tab to see what it is everyone else was writing about. It isn't plagiarism if you don't steal the words directly, which I would never, ever do. Originality is for people who aren't desperate.

Unfortunately the main popular story was about the elections yesterday. I had bored you all with political-themed ridiculousness yesterday. My sense of shame, seriously degraded during my years impersonating a female voice on phone-sex lines, had not atrophied so much that I would give you people the same crap two days in a row.

But hey, the second story was about how the Vatican was down with evolution. It had been almost a whole week since I talked about that! Plus it was an opportunity to make jokes about priests and buggery, which is hard to pass up. The jokes I mean, not the... OK, I'm just going to move on.

As I was reading the article, I noticed that it came from an Australian internet news service. Mind wandering, I looked over the link-headlines at the bottom of the page.

Man escapes prison as 'identical twin'

Canadian cat becomes millionaire

Men get lost mowing lawn

House comes with free bride

Lightning kills 106 cows

Volcanoes are our friend

and my personal favorite: Centre of our universe sucks

Do I really need to say anything else? I heart Australia so much now that I must move there immediately. If the news-headline-writers are this cool, what must the people with fun jobs be like?

I imagine it's all beer, beach volleyball, that colored zinc sunblock stuff on your nose, Thai prostitutes as far as the eye can see... they're a lot closer to Thailand than we are, you know. Sydney ain't exactly Rangoon, but it sure as hell isn't Riverside either. We only have one Thai hooker, but that doesn't count because she's just a transsexual whose birthname was Tyler. Just so you know, it took me less than three visits to find that out. I only see Ty socially now.

Plus I already speak English, so I'll walk right off the plane and automatically be Australian. Of course I may have to slightly change the way I speak. Like, I'll have to learn to say the word "no" in that weird foreign way they say it with all the extra sounds in it like "naaiiiooooye".

Bleh. That's horrible. I don't know anymore. Perhaps making the life-changing decision to move my whole family, with no arranged means of income, to a new country/continent/hemisphere based on the pleasure gained from reading a couple of internet news headlines was a little rash. I don't know that I'm prepared to eat vegemite. I hear it's made out of bugs. And aborigines.

This might not be the right time to leave America anyway seeing as all indicators are pointing to a welcome, long-awaited political turnaround. How could I leave when the possibility exists that my beloved Democratic party might challenge for control of Congress next year and then the presidency in 2008? Of course we all know after that happens, we will make a paradise of this world. Crime will melt away, the skies and rivers will spontaneously unpollute, people will wake up in the morning to find their pockets stuffed with inflation-proof cash, gold will rain from the skies and dogs will be given the power of human speech...

And I will be in an Australian Re-education and Assimilation Camp getting a cattle prod in my solar plexus every time I say "cell phone" instead of "mobile phone".

No thanks. That's it, I'm staying.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.0



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