Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Yawn Of The Dead
I welcome all who wish to visit, I really do. Only... there are some of you that I just... I can't say that I'm completely... let's be frank, you scare me a little bit. Not a lot, just a little bit. Not in like an "oh my God my ex-girlfriend just told me she has syphilis" kind of a scary way, just more in a "oh my God my ex-girlfriend just told me she has gout" kind of a scary way. It's not enough to affect anything I would like to do or get done, but it certainly makes me stop and consider.

MSN search result that led somebody here: That lady has a fat pointy ass.

Really? Fat and pointy? Why, anonymous person, would you ever want to find such a thing? And if you're going to look, why be so coy and demure? "That lady"? You can say her name, she won't know. Unless she's... oh, I get it. She's sitting right behind you in the library right now, isn't she? OK, probably not sitting as that precludes the observation, but she's nearby. I understand. My bad. Carry on.

The most important question in all this, of course: why is the Bucket way down at #8 on that list? My overactive sense of competition has been engaged. Just to warn you, my dear, gentle Bucketeers, it's going to get all "fat, pointy ass" around here over the next couple of days. Watch in confused, disinterested wonder as I claw my way toward #1 on yet another list.


I understand how the Culture War works. I actually sort of enjoy the process: some sort of mass media is released, followed by a random, unrelated incident of shocking public import like a school shooting or two consenting adults of the same gender engaging in a sex act together, Culture Warriors rise up and blame Hollywood, leftists and communists for bringing America low, by which we understand them to mean Jews. And me personally. Me and the Jews, working together since 1974 to rot America from the inside out.

And not just any ole Jews either, I mean the really nasty baby-eating ones with the tails and cloven-hoofs-for-feet and everything. You get a couple of those on your side and just you watch as conventions of public morals fall away around you. It's like hanging out with Dennis Rodman.

In the most startlingly simplistic of ways, depictions of easy sexuality lead to acts of easy sexuality among America's youth.* Depictions of wanton violence lead to acts of wanton violence. Depictions of cannibalism leads to acts of cannibalism.

That's right, I said cannibalism. Sound stupid? Before you get all eye-rolly, consider: this is in video games. Not just TV or movies, but in video games, where kids play at being slutty or violent or cannibals which is the same as practice. Seriously, how long do you think it would take for a kid playing at being a zombie cannibal on a video game before he or she--oh who are we kidding, he--develops not only a taste for human flesh, but one that must be acted on. That's how otherwise normal kids turn out to be cannibals. O the corruption!

Senator Joe Lieberman says (and this is true) about cannibal video games: "It's just the worst kind of message to kids."

I can't really argue with him there. Cannibalism is in fact a poor message to send to kids. Having players actively click the buttons that make their protagonist golem take a big wet bite out of some poor digital victim's fat, pointy ass is the first step down a slippery slope.

We're on our way to the mainstreaming of not only cannibalism, but zombies in general. Next thing you know there's going to be a Zombie Rights lobby--instead of a rainbow flag, it will be a black banner with big red letters: BRAINS--trying to lower all of our natural abhorrence toward something as yucky as cannibalism until those of us on the left (remember: me and the Jews) are all convinced and working actively to help Undead-Americans set up and run their people-farms, defending it as a "lifestyle choice".

All of it true. Guilty as charged. And then just for good measure, we're going to stock the people-farms with clones. Grown from embryonic stem cells. And our ad campaign: Christians Just Taste Better. Mmm, pure white meat. I'm sort of hungry now myself.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 2.2


*= at least I've heard. Couldn't find me none of that when I was a teenager. I figured logically the more openly frivolous the sex on screen, the more likely it would be that I would find me some poor, misled young woman to take advantage of, so I hung out a lot at the porn theater. More gratuitous = more action, yes? There was some wanton sex going on in the seats around me, but none of it was the participatory kind, or at least not the kind of which I wanted terribly to be participatory in. Plus the floor was all slippery.


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