Tuesday, November 08, 2005
You Could Always Write-In Sharon Osbourne
Election day is here! Yippee hooray!

Today America celebrates democracy in the traditional way, marking the occasion with the customary Off-Year Election Day Barbecue & Hootenanny down at the Elks Club Hall. Our children wake up in the morning to see brightly colored propositions and ballot measures decorating the Off-Year Election Day Tree. The people we meet on the street are walking a little easier, maybe even with a bit of holiday spring in their step, waving and smiling and exchanging the customary Off-Year Election Day Greeting: "Today is what now?"

For most of the country, the occasion is marked by a mass-participation act of not voting. Today we all feel closer to our fellow citizens as we share in the experience of opting out. We would all like to vote, honest we would, only The Biggest Loser is on tonight. Who can resist watching fat people try to climb a rope?

They can call it a "special election" if they want to, but that's just Schwarzenegger's Hollywood marketing machine in action. If it was special the same way the Special Olympics are special, I would get a medal just for participating. I find that scenario highly unlikely. Just so they know, though, no bling, no vote.

Honestly, expecting us to pay attention to an election in an odd-numbered year is just too much to ask. Just look at the competition for our attention: gay cheerleaders having sex in public, crazy baseball players attacking people with machetes and then setting them on fire, Sharon Osbourne hating on Madonna and oh my God, did you hear? Tom Cruise totally fired his sister as his publicist!

How is some old junk about legislative redistricting and parental notification before underage abortion supposed to compete with that? Unless you're a state senator, an underage girl or a fetus, I just don't see the urgency. And two of those three can't even vote.

Just so you know, complain as I might, I have already voted. I did stick to my iron-clad foolproof coin-flip method. I wanted to tell you all that so you would know that I stick to my commitments, even if they're pointless and stupid. Which also explains my continued paid membership in the DNC.

And now I leave you with the edited MSNBC.com version of Sharon Osbourne's Madonna tirade. Somehow they're funnier without the swear words:

“It’s like dressing up with [Madonna]. One day you’re in [bleeping] gun gear, then you’re in horsing gear, then you dress like a [bleeping] dyke, then you dress like a hooker, then you’re in a flowery dress reading kids’ poetry looking like a [bleeping] librarian — then you’re back looking like an old hooker again...”

Wait, there's more!

“And writing those painful silly books and reading them to your kids!” she said. “If my mum came to me with a book like that I’d say, [bleeping] stick it up your [bleep.]. [Bleeping] English Roses. [Bleep].”

Bleep indeed, people. Bleep indeed.

God bless onomatopœa for saving our virgin eyes from desecration.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 5.2



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