Sunday, December 18, 2005
Gonna Find Out Who's Naughty And Nice
If the government can monitor Americans talking on the phone without warrants whenever they want to... my God, do you think it's possible they might also be reading blogs as well? Is nothing sacred? Have our civil liberties finally atrophied to the point where we can't publish our half-baked first-draft thoughts instantly around the world without worrying about other people reading them?

By and large I do not actually have this problem, but I could. I know I owe my readership, meager though it is relative to some others, to the overcrowding of prisons. Without that institutional breakdown, we wouldn't have so many house-arrests happening and nobody would have the time or energy to dig all the way down here to the bottom of the internets to find this thing. I have the judicial system to thank for that.

Now I have to worry about the government jackbooted thugs snooping. And just when I was about to start my in-depth 15 part series about how to successfully tamper with electronic ankle-bracelet monitoring devices.

Wow, that sentence is going to draw some interesting Google hits.

Welcome, felons!

OK, I'm a little drained. This is all I have for today. I would be better spiritually centered and more informed about the world around me, but I skipped out on Jesus this morning to watch football. Football. I am still shamed. But then I figure, look, Jesus was going to totally nail me for something anyway, I might as well watch the Chargers play the undefeated--sorry, formerly undefeated--Indianapolis Colts. It's not like 31 years of taking the Lord's name in vain, creatively blasphemous masturbation and animal torture are all going to be wiped clean if I go to this one Mass on December 18th, 2005.

Sorry, Jesus. I wanted to watch the game. So I did. And it was good. I'll make it up to You next week. I'll tell my kids there's no Santa Claus and make sure they know who put the X in X-mas, Big Fella. I think it was the Greeks. But they were totally talking about Jesus.

If there's one thing I have learned from years of church-going, Jesus loves Him an underdog. The poor, the meek, the 10-point road-team 'dogs vs. an unbeaten monster from Sticksville, Nowhere.

The Chargers blow a 16-0 lead in the third quarter, then their best player goes down with an injury... Jesus likes the underdog, but he likes the underdog to work for it. It's like how he lets us keep Pat Robertson as the guy in charge of using His name the most on TV even though the philosophy he espouses directly contradicts just about everything Jesus is purported to have said. Jesus has a crazy, demented sense of humor. And I love that about Him. The hair is kind of gay, though.

See, but in the end I know everything will be OK because then He gives us this:
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Oh, I think Michael Turner may still be running...

I know it was a miracle because all the football players thanked God for it afterward. Clearly He was on our side.

But then He was the one who got us beat by the crappy Dolphins last week. Like I said, sick.

Final note: before you complain that this was a football post, it WASN'T. It was clearly about Jesus. Feel free to complain about that.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.75


PS- Right after I first wrote that line about Jesus having gay hair, my browser TOTALLY CRASHED. Not kidding. But then my crafty devil-built Blogger Creat Post window's built-in "Recover Post" button saved this load of wank in all it's heretical glory for all the world and agents of the US government to enjoy, warrant-free. This just proves what I always suspected: Blogger is stronger than Jesus. I certainly blog more than I go to church. And so do each and every one of you. Jesus might not be able to do anything about it, but don't think he isn't watching. You people are on notice.

PPS- If you didn't like this, please re-read Friday's post. You're SURE to hate that. Plus it took me a LOT longer to write. I need to feel like I got my words-per-minutes worth.


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