Thursday, December 01, 2005
The Jelly Doughnut Of Corruption
I hadn't really paid that much attention to the recent Congressional corruption scandal that involved semi-local San Diego-area Representative Randy "Duke" Cunningham. Something about money and a fishy real-estate sale... I don't know. Everyone knows the only way fishy real-estate deals can get you in political trouble is if they somehow end with you ejaculating on an intern. All I know is that he was somehow associating with foreigners, which is more than enough for me. Throw the bum out, I say.

But then over at one of them serious political blogs with all the "facts" and the "research", Talking Points Memo, it was revealed that on one of them overseas trips to a foreign country in the company of bribe-giving foreigners and staying at foreign houses was Rep. Cunningham AND (this is the good part) Rep. Ken Calvert!

Can you believe it!?

Hang on, I think I left something out... oh yeah... that's my congressman!

I don't mean "my" congressman like I own him or anything. I don't have that kind of money. Although to be honest, knowing Mr. Calvert like I do (and you could judge this from his picture) I could probably have him for a bag full of Taco Bell and a generous slice of chocolate cake.

He's definitely got Congressional Puffy-Face Disease. I don't know what it is about the House of Representatives that makes people fat. There's an awful lot of rotunda happening on that side of the Congress, if you take my meaning.

For some reason, though, you don't see the same inflation rate happening over in the Senate. As I look at my Class of 2004 United States Senate trading card set, I can't find a single fat senator. Although I will admit, my set isn't complete. I run home from the liquor store with my new packs of Senate cards and a box of wine, tear them open only to have my heart broken by more doubles of cards I already have. What do I need with six Daniel Akaka's when I don't have any Judd Gregg? I wouldn't mind the occasional double as a back-up for ones I already have. My Mary Landrieu is a little bit worse for wear at this point. I knew I should have had that one laminated.

I don't know if it's the pressure to be telegenic or maybe they have a better gym over there or maybe it's the aerobic workout provided by the all-senate bipartisan Potluck and Key-party they have on the Senate floor during their "closed sessions" when C-SPAN2 goes dark... I don't know. But the senators always look great.

That's why I've made the decision now, with my representative Mr. Calvert tangentially not-at-all involved in this bribery thing (but definitely associating with foreigners), that I am announcing my candidacy to be the next Representative from California's 44th Congressional District.

Of course when I say "I", I don't mean Pops, I mean me, Korvath Ganymede MacLeish Horrington III. The real me. "Pops" such as he is, cannot run for Congress as he is a fictional character. There's no law against it as such, but I remember in 6th grade when the position of Student Council Vice-President came down to a run-off between Mike Hunt and Heywood Jablome, both strong write-in candidates. The horseshit electoral process of grown-ups is sacrosanct to me and thus should be protected from that kind of tomfoolery.

Although I will admit having voted for "Tom Foolery" over Mr. Calvert and his sacrificial Democrat "opponent" in the past.

No, my reasons for running are rock-solid and serious: I want to be a Congressman so that I can get fat. Not Ariel Sharon planetary-graviational-pull fat, just a nice, comfortable Jim Sensenbrenner fat.

I have to move now while my opponent is sort-of not-really vulnerable. It's the best I can do because it's nearly fucking impossible to unseat an incumbent. The upside to that is once I get in, nobody's getting me out. I can suckle on the teat of public corruption until my little tummy bursts for several terms, get reelected anyway, resign in scandal and "shame" when I get bored enough and then still get to keep my Congressional pension. Hott.

And none of the Senate pressure to be totally ripped like that Barack Obama. Underneath that suit and tie, dude is all sinewy chocolate muscle. I don't need that kind of comparison.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.9



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